Professional Football Players Urgently Required TSS September 20, 2012 Just for fun 18 Comments With news that Ross McCormack could be out for three months, Neil Warnock desperately needs to strengthen his squad. Suggestions that Leeds United’s takeover will be completed within the next two weeks offer some reason for hope, but the light at the end of the tunnel is still too far away to brighten the dark situation Leeds United are currently experiencing. Somehow, the Leeds United manager has to convince another club to part with players of considerable quality with very little money available to tempt them. It’s a seemingly impossible task, leaving Warnock with no real option but to accept players of lesser quality or take his chances on an unknown. With our next league game kicking off in less than 48 hours, time is of the essence. As such The Scratching Shed has moved to lighten Neil Warnock’s work load by preparing a job advertisement on the club’s behalf, which we believe will help considerably. PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS URGENTLY REQUIRED Leeds United Football Club is looking for talented individuals to join their playing squad. Would you like to travel the length and breadth of England’s green and pleasant land, taking in some of the countries cultural hotspots such as Hull, Bristol and Peterborough? Are you willing to be berated on a regular basis for your lack of ability, accept responsibility for being scapegoat to a megalomaniac chairman and be compensated only by a wage that would make Indonesian sweatshop workers laugh? If so, Leeds United Football Club could be for you! Previous experience kicking a spherical air-filled object would be an advantage, but full training will be given. You must be a consummate professional, willing to toe the company line and repeat – preferably verbatim – the words of our fearless and mighty leader. You will not require the ability to form an opinion, nor will you be allowed to express one publicly. If you think you have what it takes to play for one of the countries (previously) great clubs, don’t bother writing in to apply, simply turn up to our Thorp Arch training ground in Wetherby ready to complete the league’s registration documents. Your kit will be provided for you, the cost of which will be deducted from your wages. Own boots required. The above may have been written in jest, but I fail to see what else Neil Warnock can do? Without a considerable financial incentive, there isn’t a club in the world that will help Leeds United out of the goodness of their hearts – why would they? And the really irritating thing is, we should never have arrived at this situation in the first place. Everyone – Warnock included – could see this squad severely lacked depth and was destined to struggle with injuries throughout the season. But the money to resolve that problem – once again – hasn’t been forthcoming.