Guest submission by Tom Mordey

Uncle Ken is never the most popular man around Elland Road, especially given the recent contract situation with certain players. He’s also none-too-popular with those who play the game given his tendency to produce rather outlandish comments and insult almost everyone in sight. Here’s a selection of 10 ‘witticisms’ from Mr Bates.

KB on signing Claude Makelele: “Makelele? Who does he play for? I’ve only ever heard of his brother, Ukelele.”

KB on resigning from the Wembley National Stadium Board: “Even Jesus Christ only had one Pontius Pilate – I had a whole team of them.”

KB on his work at Leeds United: The rebuilding of Leeds United is a bit like sex. “In an age of instant gratification, Leeds United is having a long, drawn-out affair with plenty of foreplay and slow arousal.”

KB on why American tourists were not visiting Chelsea Village: “Experience shows that after a disaster it is particularly difficult with the Americans, who appear to be quite cowardly despite their Rambo films.”

KB on the security at Marseille’s stadium: “Our fans were systematically abused all evening without any provocation and yet we were fined. A bit like being put in a Nazi concentration camp and being charged an admission fee.”

KB on England’s World Cup Chances: “Hump it, bump it, whack it! It might be a recipe for a good sex life, but it won’t win the World Cup.”

KB after Chelsea had reported him for his conduct: “I haven’t laughed so much since Ma caught her tits in the mangle.”

KB on the benefits of the Chinese choosing Leeds as their Olympic base for 2012: “All Leeds gets is increased sales of sweet and sour pork.”

KB when trying to reduce the age of his Chelsea side: “I got calls from Italy last summer and one agent offered me Batistuta. He told me ‘Batistuta wants to come to Chelsea’. I said ‘I’m sure he does, but we’ve stopped signing pensioners’.”

KB on Martin O’Neill after O’Neill called him a cretin: “It takes one to know one. I’m surprised Martin O’Neill actually knows a word as big as cretin.”

Written by Tom Mordey from The Coin Toss. Also found on Twitter @The_CoinToss

  • Gryff

    Yup. The stereotypical racist, senile old uncle nobody wants to come round to Christmas…

  • WalterCasper

    Seems to me you people have far too much time on your hands and are a little bit too obsessed. Support the team and stop moaning. You cannot do anything about it. On and on

    • CraigSweaton

      @WalterCasper Of course something can be done about it…stop paying his ticket prices and boycott games. And exactly which team are we supposed to stop moaning and support? The one that’s being dismantled month by month until we’re left with a league 1 side again?

      It’s people who blindly “support the team” that keep Bates in his position of smug superiority and control.

    • ScottCrabby

      @WalterCasper of course he has time on his hands, time that he uses to create a blog! Its you who visit these blogs and then complain that have too much time.

      • WalterCasper

        @ScottCrabby I have this week pal, got the week off and relaxing at home ;)

  • AdamLUFC95


  • AdamLUFC95

    what an utterly depressing post

  • CraigSweaton

    @WalterCasper What are you talking about?? If I didn’t care about the team I wouldn’t bother to educate people like you who don’t speak a word of sense.

    I care more about the team than you do and don’t want to sit idle while a cockney tosser destroys us to line his own pockets but, as long as there are people who just carry on taking it up the arse from him he’ll keep doing it to us.

    Time to use your brain instead of your mouth maybe.

    • WalterCasper

      @CraigSweaton Right so lets say you’re right about boycotting games. Say in an extreme situation, we end up with an attendance of 2,000 per game. Now that will cause problems with our income, once again screw us up, we’ll end up in administration and be back to where we were. Would you like us to go into administration, play Yeovil for some years again and have rid of KB or alternatively keep a positive attitude that we could possibly get into the premiership. We are not going to get relegated. Just stop moaning about stuff thats beyond our control and support the fucking team we’ve got. When we do eventually get promoted people will come crawling back and then have the audasity to moan about ST renewals because they didn’t do it at the previous years price. Get a grip.

    • CraigSweaton

      @WalterCasper@CraigSweaton You haven’t got a clue have you?!

      The only way to hurt Bates is in his pocket & if you think that there is ANY chance of us getting promoted with a selection of loanees and freebies, you’re going to come down to earth with a massive bump.

      How long do you think Bates will keep selling our players and refuse to invest if , even for just the odd game, nobody turned up? He talks down to us in match programmes that we buy (the most expensive in the country btw), and blatantly lies about transfers, makes us the 7th most expensive team in the country, and all the while sells anything that’s worth selling. Not forgetting the 66 loan players in the last few years.

      It’s ridiculous and it’s time you thought about where your money is going because mine is too hard earned to be spent on systematic abuse. Wake up and smell the coffee pal.

    • WalterCasper

      @CraigSweaton It aint gonna happen though is it, people not turning up. As I’ve said you are only depriving yourself. And I refuse to stop doing what I love because of any single person. The man is what 80 now? He’s made his money, he’s got plenty stashed away and him not making much out of Leeds will only hurt his ambition, not his pocket. He’s got millions outside LUFC so fans turning on him, he might think, balls to you, I’m really gonna screw your club up.

    • CraigSweaton

      @WalterCasper@CraigSweaton Fair enough but the point is that everyone is entitled to an opinion and it makes me no less of a Leeds fan just because I feel different about it than you do.

      The way I see it, I struggle to enjoy the whole experience now because we are going nowhere and that’s exactly as Bates wants it. I can’t accept that he takes my money & then laughs at me for it. I want to see our club great again but, that just won’t happen if we let him have it all his own way.

      I won’t go again until he shows some of the commitment that we have, but I’ll never go to another team either.

    • Jibb

      what ambition??? building the beeston hotel? as for getting relegated, if thats what it took to get rid of bates, i would happily take another stint in league 1 again, or even league 2! Ken has spent years telling us “if you want premier league football you have to pay premier league prices” but in the 7 years we have had ken in charge, we have gone from a mid table championship club to… a mid table championship club! oh but we now also have higher basic season ticket prices than manu.

    • CraigSweaton

      @Jibb Exactly pal!

    • WalterCasper

      @Jibb If he didn’t have ambition he wouldn’t be as rich as he is now. How many 80 year olds do you know that would be as active in a business as him? See that’s what’s wrong with Leeds fans at the moment. You’re saying you would rather us play in league 2 than have KB in charge. That is absolutely insane! Anyway if people are gonna boycott Elland Road it might make for a better atmosphere anyway with a lot of the negativity gone. Depressing down there at the moment.

  • ScottCrabby

    Awful reply.

  • TSS

    Think some of the replies to this comment are harsh, it’s a fair point – no one has took the lead when it comes to these protests and campaigns to get Bates out of the club.

    I wouldn’t do it personally for the same reason I refused to give comment to the press last time we had Bates protests – I speak for myself, not on behalf of Leeds United fans. We all have different reasons for wanting rid of Bates, every time I see a fan on TV telling Calendar or SSN their reasoning they usually miss the point entirely in my mind. It’s usually whatever has happened recently and not the seven years as whole. But the fact I don’t agree with their reasoning shows how complex the issue is.

    You need a supporters group to lead the way like they do at every other club and it’s reassuring to see LUST finally stepping up to lead the charge. I’m interested to see what steps they take over the coming days, weeks and months and will offer any support I can.

  • Steve Colbert
  • Daniel Broadhead

    ^could you arrange for a courier to drop this off outside the uk….. as far away as possible …..the moon would be good

  • Darren Gordois

    does anybody else think it’s absolutely ridiculous to be asking people to boycott the games? fair enough on not spending on the club shop, stuff inside the ground and programmes, but agressively promoting the fact that you should turn your back on the team is, in my view, utter bull sh*t. Admittedly this refers to previous posts and is an unprompted Fri rant but so be it!

  • Phil Glenn

    Could you please stop putting a picture of that cunt bates on Facebook,It’s offensive Haha.

  • Gary Noble

    I hate bates that’s a fact! I want him out as much as the next fan and realise the only way to get to a man like that is through his pocket but i fear protests and boycotts will unsettle the team even more especially with the loss of JH. Slightly worried that we could damage our club more than it already is!! I don’t see a way forward, bad times ahead. MOT