As the January transfer window opens, now seems a good opportunity to clear the air and let all you morons know what’s happening with the squad, the “hotel” and the manager. First though, I’ll have to go back to the beginning.

When I sold Chelsea to the dreadful Russian in 2003 I had a bit of a problem with HMRC. They seemed particularly keen on levying capital gains tax at 18%. Never having been a great fan of Her Majesty’s exchequer, I decided to divert much of the profit into a charitable trust as a tax efficient vehicle. While I could have simply invested the revenue into an anonymous offshore hedge fund, the Charity Commission were being slightly awkward at the time. I had to find a way to produce at least the appearance of charitable work happening.

That’s where my good friend Bana Tchanile came in. He knew of an orphanage in Lagos which was desperately in need of a new roof. Naturally I stepped in (just before an audit by the charity commission as it happened). Over the following years it became clear that our act of kindness was having unexpected effects. The boys formed a football team and even got some international experience against Bahrain thanks to Bana’s contacts.

That was when I knew that all my problems with playing staff wages would soon be over.

Moving forward to the winter of 2010, things were looking good at Leeds United. I’d got young Larry in and he’d done well in giving the supporters one less thing to whine about when we moved into the Championship. It was clear though that I’d been spending recklessly on players. We were in serious danger of being promoted twice in two seasons and I couldn’t contemplate the investment which would have been required to make us competitive in the Premier League. That’s when I instructed young Larry to start stuffing the first team with crocks and workshy pensioners. If the squad we had could threaten for promotion then I knew I had a better alternative.

It was remarkably easy to get planning permission for the “hotel”. Why on earth those morons at Leeds City Council thought anyone in their right mind would want to build a “hotel” in Beeston is completely beyond me, but they fell for it hook line and sinker. A “hotel” in Beeston? You’re kidding right? Did any of you fall for that as well? It’d be like building a casino in Khartoum. As staff sleeping quarters however, it starts to look a little different…

Anyway, I digress. By the end of this season we’ll have accommodation for 35 of the boys from the Lagos orphanage, and I’m told we’ll be able to get them into the country on work permits due to their experience on the Togo “national team” last year. They’re all very keen to play, and while not exactly natural goal scorers, their fitness levels are improving all the time, at least according to Pete Lorimer who’s been secretly visiting the orphanage twice a year since late 2008. There’s no way they’re promotion hopefuls, but that’s not in the BUSINESS PLAN, and they’ll still tear strips off the likes of Millwall.

So there you have it. A new first team for the 2012 / 13 season. They don’t seem to want much in the way of wages, and I’ve already lined up young Larry’s ex-Mrs to come in every afternoon and cook them a square meal. She does a mean pie and mash, and what she can do with a pork sausage would seriously blow your mind!

Which brings me onto young Larry himself. The recent rumours to the effect that his job is under threat are, unfortunately, well founded. I’m starting to think that his heart really isn’t in it any more, and he’s told me himself that he’s starting to get quite frustrated with the secret “no promotion” clause Shaun and I added to his contract last year. I have to admit that it’s partly my fault, but young Larry had a cold last week and when he said “Andros Townsend” to me over the phone, I honestly though he’d said he wanted to sign “more dross”. I could see from his reaction at the final whistle against Burnley on Monday that we may be facing a parting of the ways, and if he puts Shaun and me through many more comebacks like that it could come sooner rather than later. We have the BUSINESS PLAN to consider after all.

I hope this goes some way towards reassuring you all that I really do have the best interests of our football club at heart. Morons.

Written by James Dorsey