#01 – Brian Clough still haunts us

Two decades since Leeds had lost on opening day came to an end as the ghost of Brian Clough returned in the form of a less wittier and more arrogant (I didn’t think it was possible either) mortal named Nigel.

#02 – Our defence is slower than time itself

A slug strenuously traipsing through a flowing stream of treacle couldn’t make the Leeds United defence look quick and agile. Worse still, somewhere between the months of May and August, Richard Naylor and co. forgot how to stick a foot in!

#03 – Keep off the grass

We learnt this week that kids are strictly forbidden from entering the Elland Road playground… I mean, playing field, even if they are the son of the holier-than-thou, Nigel Clough. We also learnt that Mr Clough doesn’t like being told what he can’t do and will run crying to the media when he doesn’t get his own way. Someone really needs a father figure… Oh wait…

#04 – Billy’s on his way back!

We learnt this week that Billy Paynter’s tummy-tuck operation… I mean, shin injury will keep him sidelined for ‘weeks not months’. Simon Grayson obviously has a keen eye for players fitness, noting that Billy is a “little” behind the rest of the squad in terms of physical condition.

#05 – Bates is a controversial so and so…

In a piece fitting for the fascist coalition of idiotic morons that makes up the Daily Mail, we learnt this week that Ken Bates doesn’t like foreigners owning English football clubs. A policy he’s always been keen on ever since he sold Chelsea to quintessential Englishman, Roman Abramovich.

Come over here, steal all our football clubs…

#06 – We know nothing

We learnt this week that despite the best efforts of the new Football League chairman, we’ll never find out the true owner of Leeds United (ahem… Bates). The illusive so and so just keeps finding loopholes in the historically bulletproof Football League rules.

#07 – We’re better than League Two!

We learnt this week that despite a disappointing opening day defeat at home to Derby County, we are better than your average League Two side. Lincoln City came, they saw, they folded as Leeds United practised ‘keep away’ for 90 minutes, scoring four goals to curb the boredom.

#08 – Dizzee Rascal floorfillers for life

A new policy was brought in this week by the supporters of Leeds United football club, which states Sanchez Watt’s name should always be followed by a chorus of Dizzee Rascal. “You Watt, you watt?” Those that do not participate will be labelled non-fanatics. You have been warned.

#09 – Grella should not be f**ked with

We learnt this week that failure to play Mike Grella will result in severe warnings issued through the United States press. Three minutes at the end of each game should keep the friendly fire out of Elland Road for now.

#10 – The best things in life are free

Kasper Schmeichel and Lloyd Sam conclusively proved that the best things in life really are free. Still, “you can keep them for the birds and bees… now give me the money, that’s what I want…”