Elland RoadThe Scratching Shed is pleased to welcome Nick back for his take on the summer so far… 

Being a Leeds fan over the summer seems to have more ups and downs than when the team are actually playing.

Let’s start by going back a few days.

It was over a month and a half since that “sly” bastard Dom Poleon picked up poor innocent Watford defender Ikechi Anya, attached him to a rocket and fired him at their keeper Jonathan Bond, before later scoring and celebrating by wiping his balls over every Watford fan and Bond’s headless corpse.

There has been no noise out of Elland Road since the BFG’s nephew Matt Smith announced he was quitting Doctor Who and moving to Leeds after falling in love with his new assistant Ross McCormack.

Every day a new rumour pops up of a potential signing – Noel Hunt, Harry Forrester, Tommy Rowe, but nothing from the club.

A near media blackout is in place and the fans are dying for answers. David Haigh has stopped using Twitter to answer fans queries and instead just occasionally uses it to wish happy birthday to the odd desperate supporter.

Salem Patel hasn’t been seen or heard of since April, presumably he was in a huff after buying his first Leeds shirt for the Bahrain GP, only for those tiny faceless men at Macron to change it with a cool new blue accessory.

Then completely out of the blue (stripe) the beautiful man thumb Brian McDermott, a tower of honesty, tells a charity bash that essentially we have no money. It doesn’t come as a huge shock, there had been no movement in the week since McDermott said he had players waiting to sign and just needed the go ahead.

Nevertheless it leaves us wondering if we are about to have another season watching an ill-equipped side wallow in mid-table. All that’s left to cling on to is the news of a mystery announcement that is due from the club in the next 24 hours.

More than ever before. the fans are clambering for answers, what is the announcement? Investment? Takeover? Salem Patel has taken up a job at Leeds train station?

Then “Bam!”. Jesus Christ, there it is, just two weeks after threatening to subject Redders to Chinese water torture unless he takes all his mates sons into Thorp Arch, deputy vice assistant chairman elect, and life-long Leeds fan Salah Nooruddin answers the big one.

What do you think of the fixture list?

So here we are, none the wiser as to what is really going on at Leeds, just left with the daily ups and downs, linked with a player one day, told we can’t afford him the next.

It seems to be increasingly desperate, we have so little money that despite naming all the yellow supermarkets in the area after living legend Steve Morison, we have to loan him out to Milwall just so we can afford to bring Noel Hunt in on a free.

Although there are few fans sad to see Morison go, which includes Donald Duck’s arch enemy Habib Habibou, who claimed Morison lacked passion, it still paints a worrying picture, where we can’t even afford a free transfer.

So we are skint, Bates is about to leave us to take up his seat in the Steve Morison Oval Office and it’s all doom and gloom.

Well no, somehow, inexplicably we seem to have got together the money to put a £1 million bid for Crewe’s Luke Murphy.

Not only that, but the word is, we have snuck in front of Kentucky Fried Blackburn to be favourites to land his signature.

Of course, tomorrow that won’t happen, the rumour will be we are going into administration and Sam Byram has just received a lovely pavlova from a mystery admirer in Norfolk.

So here we are, summer rolling on, zero idea what’s going on and we have millions and no money all at the same time.

Ups and downs indeed.

  • Henry

    Genius!! All so true, and written hilariously!

  • henrymouni

    My God!
    You are beginning to sound like me Nick!!

  • mrbigwheels

    Am I really f””’g dreaming today. Official site news!.

  • Craig Sweaton

    A little disjointed to read well. Just like Leeds Uniteds’ media dicourse and the fans inability to sustain excitement. Well written :-D

  • Morcar’s Hill

    Excellent post mate.
    How about a July 1st special of the same ilk:-
    5.00AM Awoke in great anticipation. Grendel has been banished and Beowolf Brian (of the thumb variety} has the freedom to begin to assemble the mighty host for the coming campaign.
    10.00AM The first of the band of brothers arrives at Thorpe Arch for his medical. All is going so smoothly and it becomes known a ‘big announcement’ will be made at 1.45PM (love the precision of these time slots!).
    11.30AM First worrying sign emerges as rumours from TA say the lad’s apparently only got one leg! Twitter goes into meltdown.
    12.00AM No everyone’s got the wrong end of the stick. What the Crewe colossus had revealed was that his right peg was better than is left. Twitter goes into meltdown.
    12.30AM He’s passed the medical and apparently Reece (Witherspoon) sorry Wabara is also on his way too. Twitter goes into meltdown.
    1.00PM David Haigh and an unknown banker arrive at ER. Twitter goes into meltdown
    1.30PM The mass hordes of the the local media assemble and whispers begin to mention we may have a new messiah at our head with golden ingots by the barrow full to be displayed at his side on the dias to prove his great wealth.
    1.45PM Kind David walks into the room with a middle eastern looking type carrying something strange and exotic! You could hear a pin drop. Not a single word on twitter as everyone holds their breath.
    1.55PM And someone gives David a nudge to tell him he is actually allowed to speak at a news conference.
    2.00PM The conference is over with one line from King David who announced a major investment – in a product called beach sandals although he kept referring to it as BS for some reason.
    2.01PM Just as the meeting is breaking up someone asks who the mysterious guest next to David is and it is revealed that his name in Salem Patel – a long lost acquaintance who has apparently been wondering the wastelands of the Bahrainian F1 pits for 40 days and 40 nights and who has returned with a message of hope for LUFC kind. He opens his hand to reveal a parchment he found signed by the IIB for full control of LUFC and a gift of £3M to Beowolf to spend, spend, spend. Twitter goes into meltdown.
    4.00PM Reece the queen of Sheeba, Mat owner of a number of local Mills and Noel, the old hunt master roll into town closely followed by Tommy the keen rower and Harry the Brentford Forrester and Adam of La Fondre to complete the band of brothers. ER is awash with millions and so it begins…
    7.00PM The alien mindbending tool has a glitch that shuts down the make believe world we’ve all been inhabiting these past 24 hours and hard cold reality kicks in once more. Ken is still the puppet master , we’re as skint as we always knew we were and Sam is sold for £2M to keep the administrators from the door.

    Will someone please turn the lights out i want to reboot the alien thingy ASAP…

  • FUNKYGTC

    Does this mean we’ve not Signed Neymar, Fred & Bernard??
    I was personally hoping we might sign that fella who can play in Allsorts of positions…..er Bertie Bassett and that wicked fiery American Dude…er…… Jack Daniels! That would be nice!

  • spellz

    Great post so much humour and truth at the same time made for an enjoyable read.

  • torpsta1974

    i love that, truth with humour. lol