Ken Bates Plymouth ArgylePlymouth Argyle fans should pray for relegation following reports that Ken Bates could be lining up a takeover of the club, but only if the Pilgrims manage to avoid relegation from League Two this season.

The outspoken 81-year old ended his 8 year tyranny at Elland Road in December when he sold the club to GFH Capital. While he remains Chairman of the Whites until the end of the current season, his involvement seems to be almost non-existent. With no outlet for his tiresome, libellous rants, it’s no surprise Ken Bates is looking at other clubs. Such extraordinary levels of narcissism need to be fed somehow.

So what can Plymouth Argyle fans expect from a Ken Bates owned football club? Severely hiked ticket prices will probably be the first move, but don’t get too hung up on those, they’ll be the least of your worries.

The alarm bells should really start ringing when Ken decides to redevelop the stadium you’ll no longer be able to fill due to the aforementioned prices he charges for entry. Fear not though, for those balls of tumbleweed cascading over empty terraces will provide a serene and beautiful setting for the best executive boxes in League Two (that you also won’t be able to fill).

Are you short of pre-match watering holes in which you can get suitably intoxicated before the game? No? Neither were we, but a Ken Bates football club will provide you with extra ones all the same. They cost a few quid to build and will invariably lose money, but don’t worry, once you’ve signed up for Ken Bates’ membership scheme – for a “small” charge, naturally – you’ll be able to avoid the riff-raff and queue for a more expensive pint in a club-owned bar.

Perhaps the most attractive feature of any Ken Bates owned football club is his communication with the fans (or “morons”, “dissidents” and “sick-pots” as he affectionately labels them). This will come via in-house club media channels, such as your very own loss-making DAB digital radio station, on which he’ll broadcast a weekly address to the nation. This is an event no Plymouth fan will want to miss, as the chairman of your football club answers pre-scripted (by Bates) questions on pressing issues such as catering bills and Police costs. If you’re a Plymouth-based lawyer, this weekly diatribe will provide you with more courtcases to contest than ambulance chasing ever will. And since Ken Bates is an outspoken fool incapable of keeping his mouth shut, he generally loses and the club coughs up the compensation. A great boost to the local economy, I’m sure you’ll agree. (See also: The chairman’s programme notes)

But what about the team I hear you cry? Well, if you have any promising young starlets who may well hold the key to promotion, they’ll be sold and replaced by has-been journeymen acquired on a free or by way of a loan deal. Ken Bates’ executive box has to be paid for somehow!

And when all the courtcases and pointless building work catches up with the club and forces you into administration, fear not, for the club will live to fight another day when a mysterious and anonymous offshore company, who just so happens to be tied up to all the debt the club owes and certainly isn’t owned by Ken Bates himself (honest!) comes to your rescue. At this point, HMRC may suspect foul play and get a little peeved by all the tax said administration managed to dodge, but they’re completely harmless. Don’t worry about them.

Good luck Plymouth. You’ll need it.

  • djedjedje

    Wouldn’t wish Bates on anyone, … well, perhaps Chelsea.

    The only self-interested Leeds United upside to this proposal is that hopefully there is some FA ruling forbidding an owner of one football league club to be the honorary lifetime president of another. But knowing the FA, there probably isn’t.

  • Col

    I pity any club that Bates sinks his claws into. Plymouth fans probably think Bates is their knight in shining armor. Nothing could be further from the truth. Bates is blood-sucking scum. He’ll put Plymouth through the mangle, same as he has Leeds. If Bates were to drop dead today, I would raise a glass and celebrate. That’s how much I loath this man.
    I would be delighted if Bates went to Plymouth, or any club because it would (hopefully) mean the end if any links with our club. I would however feel massive sympathy for the supporters of his new club.

  • Irving08

    And you will get Neil Warnock, so be prepared for an influx of less than golden oldies, while local lads of promise watch from the dug-out or are loaned out to Exeter City.

    • Tyler75

      More likely (and scarily) Dennis Wise

    • JDC

      They can willingly have both … Mr Warnock would even be able to live at home in his beloved Cornwall and commute to work … as long as it’s as far as it’s possible to get from Yorkshire … in England of course.

  • mrbigwheels

    More smoke and mirrors…

    Get up on to high ground and then you’ll see what he’s really up to.
    Then run for cover.

  • Tyler75

    I take issue with your defamatory article. It is completely unappreciative of the fact that Mr Bates was our saviour and guardian through the lowest point in the club’s history – he suffered alongside us and his pain was our pain. Why there isn’t a petition for a 30ft statue of Mr Bates in Leeds City Centre (based on the Colossus of Rhodes) is beyond me.

    • http://www.thescratchingshed.com/ TSS

      Hahahahaha. Brilliant.

    • Matthew

      Ken Bates – Leeds Legend, known for being the biggest cunt in the history of the club.

      • Snowjoke

        Shouldn’t that be “Cnut”?

    • Flippin-Pop-It-Bruva

      Get a grip…..we were all duped into thinking that Bates was our savior, but season after season we have seen the same sort of shit almost to the point where i think even Bates didnt want us to get promoted [as the scrutiny of who owns/owned the club would come under the spotlight] As much as i initially respected the ruthlessness and shrewd Bates leadership, I quickly realised that Bates wasnt in it for the long haul or to get us back into the premiership. Theres a big reason why gates were down last season and the beginning of this season and that is Bates and the way he communicated with us fans and the way he sells our best players and replaces them with loans/frees. Can that many supporters be wrong? Clearly Bates looks like a savior from your armchair.

      • leedslunatic

        Read Tyler’s post again… slowly

  • http://twitter.com/mbbmotion Matthew Brown-Bolton

    I’ve missed your Bates Rants mate – I got it out of my system as well today – i think we may have Stockholm syndrome, having been held captive by Bates for so long!

  • duncan

    Brilliantly funny piece, thanks

  • Bomber harris

    Didn’t he pick Chelsea up at their low point and got them on the up again ? Surly this can’t be as bad as your say for my club ??

    • http://twitter.com/RafaLUFC Mark Richardson

      only if by “on the up” you mean in £80 million debt to be saved by a billionaire who could pay off said debt with loose change.

  • old goat

    Is there a pattern developing here?????
    Ridsdale as Chairman
    Broke
    Bates moves in.

  • Exiled White

    I pity Plymouth Argyle if Bates gets his mitts on them. Personally I think that he should never be allowed near another football club unless it’s the scum or Chelsea.