Halloween’s a tricky one to costume. To stick by the British tradition of ghoulish, the American anything goes approach, or opt for the ‘sexy’ version of ghoulish, which essentially involves a ludicrously short skirt and the word ‘sexy’ adding to the packaging of an existing costume – ‘Sexy Freddy Krueger’ for example?

Nightmare. Not so this year. What’s absolutely vital here is narrowing your search for the perfect party wear down to a niche, and this year you’re bloody well sorted. Halloween is Leeds.

It’s playing up to the media-amplified stereotype that’s got us to our current state of ghoulish high profile, so everyone might as well join in taking it further; making an event of it.

In the mainstream’s eyes, it’s certainly not possible to be sexy and Leeds – so that rules that option out straight away. You’ve got to get the characterisation bang on, and that characterisation is simply a moronic demon in poor-quality sports casuals, doing and saying bad stuff, occasionally groaning like the brain-dead zombie anyone who affiliates with the dark side of white clearly must be.

You could choose to throw in a bit of Savile to make it extra topical. But really, there’s plenty room for creative flare to keep it straight-up Leeds United without muddying the already-horrific waters with child molestation and a man who may not actually have been a Leeds fan. Considering that legitimate doubt, what kind of a beast was he, anyway? Pathetic.

Here’s a good straightforward suggestion: hideous, monstrous, animalistic Leeds thug, dragging the bloodied and beaten corpse of an unsuspecting goalkeeper. You can save that to burn on Guy Fawkes’ too.

If you’ve been trying for ages to find tertiary uses for those Bates Out masks, well what the hell, get Ken involved. How about Ken as Harold Shipman (both have beards), draining the life slowly out of an elaborate scale effigy of Elland Road which in turn is dressed as a vulnerable elderly person? Members of the opposite sex at social events will surely swoon at that level of craftsmanship and creativity.

Morons? Understating our case, you old rogue; we are more than that – we are monsters. So better yet, if you’re a Leeds fan, don’t bother going in costume at all.

You’re Leeds – you’re scary, spooky and repulsive without making any effort. Any reputable party host will get it, and if they don’t, push them in the facial area.

In fact, a code of conduct for behaviour at any festive event would surely be pushing as many people in the facial area as possible. The slipping and falling over subsequently bit will surely happen naturally.

And if you’re not a Leeds fan, you’re probably naturally wary of Leeds fans bearing gifts, but people, do not fear. This is our straight-up, honest present to you: an unusually thematically-tight All Hallows. We’re just here to make the big decisions easier, so you can join us in pouring a toast to the veritable Vlad the Impaler of Monaco, relaxing and having a right old monster mash in his honour. Cheers!

  • chicago white

    I was planning to get a Kirkland subbutteo costume but that would be no pushover

  • derbyshirewhite

    Oh surely you didn’t miss the one that goes “he’s not a witch…..he’s a warnock”