With news that Ross McCormack could be out for three months, Neil Warnock desperately needs to strengthen his squad.

Suggestions that Leeds United’s takeover will be completed within the next two weeks offer some reason for hope, but the light at the end of the tunnel is still too far away to brighten the dark situation Leeds United are currently experiencing.

Somehow, the Leeds United manager has to convince another club to part with players of considerable quality with very little money available to tempt them.

It’s a seemingly impossible task, leaving Warnock with no real option but to accept players of lesser quality or take his chances on an unknown.

With our next league game kicking off in less than 48 hours, time is of the essence. As such The Scratching Shed has moved to lighten Neil Warnock’s work load by preparing a job advertisement on the club’s behalf, which we believe will help considerably.

PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS URGENTLY REQUIRED

Leeds United Football Club is looking for talented individuals to join their playing squad. Would you like to travel the length and breadth of England’s green and pleasant land, taking in some of the countries cultural hotspots such as Hull, Bristol and Peterborough?

Are you willing to be berated on a regular basis for your lack of ability, accept responsibility for being scapegoat to a megalomaniac chairman and be compensated only by a wage that would make Indonesian sweatshop workers laugh?

If so, Leeds United Football Club could be for you!

Previous experience kicking a spherical air-filled object would be an advantage, but full training will be given. You must be a consummate professional, willing to toe the company line and repeat – preferably verbatim – the words of our fearless and mighty leader. You will not require the ability to form an opinion, nor will you be allowed to express one publicly.

If you think you have what it takes to play for one of the countries (previously) great clubs, don’t bother writing in to apply, simply turn up to our Thorp Arch training ground in Wetherby ready to complete the league’s registration documents. Your kit will be provided for you, the cost of which will be deducted from your wages. Own boots required.

The above may have been written in jest, but I fail to see what else Neil Warnock can do? Without a considerable financial incentive, there isn’t a club in the world that will help Leeds United out of the goodness of their hearts – why would they?

And the really irritating thing is, we should never have arrived at this situation in the first place. Everyone – Warnock included – could see this squad severely lacked depth and was destined to struggle with injuries throughout the season. But the money to resolve that problem – once again – hasn’t been forthcoming.

  • its the kind of invite Kewell would see and go.. agent.. get me there.

    • Kalich

      its between us and stoke for Kewell lol

    • Matthew

      Harry Kewell. Thats a joke right? He’s less welcome than Bates to most fans.

  • Camaac

    You could post the ad in North Korea. It would be a home from home for their star players.

  • STUMOT

    Only reason I could see a club loaning us a player would be to get them match fit or get them in the shop window. Neither reason would be of benefit to us so we are truly up shit creek, at least until Bates goes.

  • Will23

    Well, the simple solution is to play more kids. We may lose more games but that is the only option we can see.

    • Kalich

      exactly and hope for the best , at least there will be drive and determination

    • Craig Sweaton

      Play more kids? Well at least that will develop more players for evil Santa to sell :-(

    • Only problem with playing kids is that they’re unpredictable. Could be good one game, awful the next. If they play awful against a good competition, it could seriously damage them and their progress for the future. Let’s call it the ‘Rachubka Effect’.

      There’s no point sending out kids in the vain hope they MAY be okay. Fact is, they’re not ready. If they were, they would be playing already.

  • Tyler75

    If Bates had an ounce of PR savvy, he could go a long way restoring some enthusiasm and goodwill from supporters and give his Manger and team a fighting chance of not losing touch of the play-offs by dusting the cobwebs off his wallet and paying Leicester whatever they asked for to bring Beckford in on a 3 month loan. But its Bates he hates good PR, he hates us, he hates the club and he probably hates himself but most of all he hates parting with any of his ill gotten gains.

  • Matthew

    I’m genuinely worried now, if we lose to the Trees on Saturday then we’l continue our decline and could be facing a relegation scrap. That said Bates would get less money for the club so it’d force his hand to sell up anyway.

  • derbyshirewhite

    OK but let’s not lose sight of the fact that Norwich got promoted without a shed load of highly paid players. What they had was a manager with a will to succeed, a team with a never say die attitude right up to the last minute of injury time, and a big ugly bugger up front. There were times on Tuesday night when Hull looked rattled, the boys in white shirts looked to be bossing the game, and the crowd were raising the roof. Fuck Ken Bates, lets not go out expecting to lose. We are Leeds and we don’t give in. Pull on the Leeds shirt and you’re walking in the footsteps of legends. MOT

    • TSS

      Norwich got promoted by retaining their players, and investing sensibly. Leeds have never done anything of the sort under Bates.

      • derbyshirewhite

        I’m as desperate as you are to see the back of Bates and start to build a squad of quality players. But in the meantime, we’ve got to hold on to who we are and where we’ve come from. Pride in the shirt might not be enough but the Lees. Byrams and Poleons need to feel part of a team with a winning mentality that doesn’t start every game feeling sorry for itself because its owned by a cynical old bastard who Knows the cost of everything but the real value of nothing.

  • Col

    I dont agree there is a lack of decent players we could sign. The only thing that’s lacking is a tiny bit of ambition from Bates.
    I can’t help believing this impending takeover is yet another false dawn. Any takeover which sees Bates remain at Leeds United be completly pointless.

  • mattbb2

    we need solidity for these games, nothing more, playing kids is one thing, but FFS, bring back Rogers from Stevenage hes a full USA International? surely we’d be better having him on the bench. We should deinitely have the likes of Gimpel, Walters, Lenighan on that bench, why not? we’ve got what is it 7 subs now? so put the donkeys on there too, but give the kids a chance.

  • Pingback: Professional Football Players Urgently Required | The Scratching ...()

  • stupidboy

    Gideon wants to play for Leeds.