Amused by the excellent “Top Ten Facts About Leeds”, we thought we’d share a little information about Southampton for those of you unfamiliar with the area. 

1. Southampton is the largest city in the county of Hampshire, which is a bit like being the biggest fan at a James Blunt concert. The locals like to consider themselves to be trendy, metropolitan types, which is why mass marketed faux-fashion brands and diluted (or “skimmed”) milk thrive there. Gullible people are essential for the success of such products.

2. Most of Southampton’s residents are bastard children, and are quite often born with horrific disfigurements, primarily because of the sailors that stopped off for a few days to do their “business”, spread tropical STD’s then jump back aboard their vessels and sail off into the sunset, never to be seen again – no one visits Southampton twice. The lack of father figures has resulted in a higher than average crime rate.

3. With an imbalance between permanent female and male residents in Southampton, most women are the sole bread-winners in their households. The number one occupation is prostitution, and the highest earners tend to be those with the least amount of bodily defects.

4. Real estate for working girls to patrol isn’t hard to come by, although there was fury in the late 1990’s when Southampton FC turfed out a large amount of prostitutes to build St. Mary’s stadium. A little known fact is that St. Mary’s stadium was named after Madame Mary. the head of the prostitution ring that previously served the area. This was a gesture of goodwill forced by the Conservative council who didn’t want to lose their exclusive discount cards. Since the prostitutes were replaced by a football team, attendances have dropped more than 600%.

5. Shortly before Southampton moved from their previous stadium The Dell, the club’s trophy room was robbed. To this day, Police are still searching tirelessly for the red and white striped carpet that a club source described as “our pride and joy”.

6. Southampton FC have often been considered cannon-fodder for proper teams like Leeds United. Every once in a while they’ll produce a half-decent team (I’m sure you all remember 1984?), but this is soon stripped apart by bigger clubs and Southampton sink back into their role as an easy six points for the rest of the division. Most neutrals consider Southampton to be the most charitable team in football, for all the points they’ve donated to their own team over the years.

7. Southampton has a proud history of producing incredibly crap musicians. The locals claim the drummer from Coldplay comes from Southampton, but as I’ve yet to hear any evidence of anything but computer generated noise on a Coldplay record I’m somewhat sceptical. Other “musicians” include Craig David and the winner of the nations biggest karaoke contest, Matt Cardle. Need I say more?

8.  Jane Austen lived briefly in Southampton until she’d earned enough money to escape (you can draw your own conclusions as to what her career was at this time). The title of her first published work Sense & Sensibility describes her decision to leave. By the time that was published in 1811, she’d already spent two years trying to forget the place existed.

9. Despite the crime-ridden, vice-heavy culture in which they live, Southampton is made up of wannabe middle-class types, who like to think they’re well-educated, high-earning members of society. However, their true nature soon comes to the surface when their whole fanbase grumbles about £36 for a ticket to Elland Road. Unfortunately, with more working girls and boys (we’re all for sexual equality!) than ever and less sailors to “service” them, the price per [ahem]-job has dropped and many locals are on the brink of poverty. Craig David is believed to be in talks about an ‘Aid For Southampton’ concert, but has yet to convince anyone that people will pay to attend.

10. The name Southampton has the word ‘South’ in it, which comes from the French and translates into ‘soft’ or in some cases ‘pansy’.

  • Bradleylomas

    I’ve searched Wikipedia, and this is all 100% true. Good job.
     

    • Purky

      All crap like the Leeds team and club. Jog on Northener!!

      • TSS

         @Purky I’d prove accuracy, but after I’ve finished drinking my cup of instant coffee, I need to find my flat-cap and take the ferret for a walk. Hope you understand? 

        • Purky

          I didnt realise that there was anyone as literate as you in Leeds. You must have listened at school. Pleasing that you have spent so much time researching about us, although your sources are questionable. Prepare for a away win and I look forward to your dissertation on this probable outcome. Dont live in the past thinking your still a “Big” club!!

        • TimPM

           @Purky No and you don’t live in the… erm…
           
          At least you won the JPT! ;-)

        • leeds lad leeds

          @Purky you’re/you are* why call us illiterate when you can’t grasp basic grammar?

        • Tyler75

           @Purky  I see that fluoride in the water thing is having some interesting side effects. Will you come to Leeds ? Never mind you’ve always  got the ‘its a bit too expensive’ excuse.

        • smogwhite

           @Purky
           purky,why dont you go and get dug up pinky and release some stress from your strings.yorkshires not that scary. 

        • Saint Knibbo

           @Purky
           Sorry guys, Perky’s a bit of a f**k wit with no sense of humour!! Not a fair representation of most of us Saints fans!!!  

        • Purky

          top marks for spotting the deliberate mistake……you passed the exam.

        • Purky

          You played really well today. W e were hanging on, if it was nt for Davis in goal and our dogged back 4 you would have taken 3 points . Keep it up and play offs for you boys. Sorry about the result though!!

        • Purky

          0-1. Sat no more. Stressed released!! Pinky also happy!!

        • Purky

          Been for a walk over to Staplewood  and seen first team squad training for tuesdays game. Not got ferret but still enjoyable!!

        • Purky

          response acknowledged!! wind up complete!!

      • lufc_chat

         @Purky For fuck sake fells lighten up

      • Bradleylomas

         @Purky I’m not a Northerner pal. I’d say ‘Jog on’ back, but I wouldn’t want to upset you & the other bastard children of Southampton. 

        • Purky

          Everyone seems suitably wound up!!!!! Banter not allowed in the opposite direction then?….. even my fellow fan Knibbo seems to have disowned me…..sorry this must be one of those elite chat forums, wont bother again …bunch of tossers!!!

        • Purky

          0-1. Say no more!!! Bastard child!!!

    • Purky

      Fact 1 about Leeds. The didnt beat Saints at home¬!!!!

  • RiktonLUFCElite

    ha ha well done TSS wonder where you got the Southampton carpet joke :-) 
     

    • TSS

       @RiktonLUFCElite Farming prostitutes out to build St Mary’s may have been borrowed too. Haha

      • Purky

        All prostitutes happy in southampton due to away win!!

    • Purky

      The Bible?!!

  • Two Heads

    As I Southampton resident I chuckled at this. I’m a strange one, I have 2 working parents, each with a full set of working limbs, but I’m willing to go on faith that this has been well researched and is from a ‘balanced viewpoint’. A truly entertaining article, I can’t wait to see your thoughts on Portsmouth…..

    • TSS

      We’ve already played them twice, and it seems unlikely that we’ll meet again any time soon. Would be like picking on the disabled anyway, they couldn’t even afford to keep the lights on when we visited them last season. 

      • JCL

         @TSS You noticed that did you? There’s a little man from Southern Electric ensuring that we only get the bare minimum of light required per game. The midweek games are going to be fantastic. The final whistle blows and darkness will descend. Hopefully the stewards will bring their own torches to guide the players off the pitch.

        • Chareose

           @TSS
           goodluck to Portsmouth, hope you can survive this admin business !
           
          Cheers

  • Scummer Rich

    I think that you are the first site to respond to the regular “10 facts about …” pages. Did chuckle whilst reading it.
    PS. St Mary’s is/was a well known red light area. Good research!
    PPS. At least that’s what I’ve been told…

    • TSS

      The rest of the Football League bloggers must be more mature than us. Banter never hurt no one, if you can’t laugh at yourself then you’re taking this football thing way too seriously. 

  • number1inyorkshire

    Fact no 11 is that st mary,s stadium is fantastic and has the most level pitch in football .it is far better facilities wise than our very own E R .
    However another fact is that southampton was bombed relentlessly in the war and because it was such a shit hole nobody bothered to stop the Luftwaffa and indeed there is a rumour that bomber harris used it for practice bombing raids so as not to put the good people of Berlin out ..

  • Tyler75

    Fact No 12 – small town near Portsmouth 

    • Purky

      Fact 2 Small town near Barnsley!!!

  • mattbb1

    you’ve missed out the musical gem that Level 42 travelled from the 6 toed hinterland of the isle of wight to make it `big’ in southampton. I understand they have since been sequestered, and forcibly imprisoned back on the isle of wight since then!

  • LeTissier

    Will beat you in your own backyard and win the league, then laugh at you from the Premier League. Enjoy Ken Bates!
    Still a Big club?, our cup final? You are having a laugh.

    • TSS

       @LeTissier  There’s always one that throws the teddy out. It’s people like you that I write this stuff for. Bless you dear child. 

      • Purky

        Thank you for the time spent writing your article. Very enjoyable reading. Maybe your literary art could be directed towards your team. Maybe a masterclass with Neil to help him articulate the requirements for a game against good opposition!!

  • Saint Radders

    Haha, as a Saints fan, Im gutted Ive missed the Pomp8y facts!! Im from Jersey so This does not apply to me!! (honest Gov!)

  • Leeds_Lad

    Can’t beat a bit of footie pi$$ taking, so credit to the “sailor boy” for a good article. ….. In fact he may be the only “talent” to have ever come out of that little fishing village ! ….. Wish every club would do the same, I had a good chuckle.

  • Eastleighsoulboy

    Well boys that is funny! As a Saints fan I didn’t realise we were held in such high esteem, and by Leeds fans to boot!
     
    I told my skate mate, an Ex Donny Ex Leeds fan, what you said and he thought you were talking about the DFCSBs!
     
    Still, keep the insults coming and TSWF will award you points at the end of the season.
     
    Good luck for the rest of the season, except Saturday of course.
     
    just one question though…Why is your club known as Dirty leeds?  ;-))

    • TSS

       @Eastleighsoulboy I think it was Warnock. We were innocent before he arrived, honest. 

      • Eastleighsoulboy

         @TSS Yes mate. i believe you. And the tooth fairy is going to give me some money because one of my teeth fell out. Apparently Father Christmas is giving her a lift.

        • number1inyorkshire

           @Eastleighsoulboy  @TSS father christmas is on holiday with the easter bunny fibber ,the tooth fairy is hanging round with cousin leprechaun nowadays so he is bringing her ………

        • Eastleighsoulboy

           @number1inyorkshire  @TSS  Bloody hell that was one roller coaster of a game! I thought we might get a draw but we dug in, rode our luck and won. I can’t see many teams beating Leeds for the rest of the season.

        • number1inyorkshire

           @Eastleighsoulboy  @TSS THANKS eastleigh it was a fantastic performance from leeds and your keeper the fact he was mobbed by his own team at the end said it all ,that said LEEDS should have taken some of their chances too ..
          you beat us easily first game of the season and if you were there you would have seen the difference in  a leeds team which is getting confidence from its manager now ..i wish for the record we had got NIgel adkins when we got grayson after all he is a leeds a fan .
          now our season is over regarding playing the saints i wish you well although with all due respect you might have to step it up  a little against other teams, but you should be going up now 1st or 2nd is not a matter getting there is .
          hopefully with the added confidence and a good pre season with our new manager we will be in the same position next season
          cheers

        • Eastleighsoulboy

           @number1inyorkshire  @TSS I am a season ticket holder, along with my 10 yr old and we were at the home game. I was concerned prior to that and was surprised that we won so well against a team which I thought would be right up there. Seven months on and Leeds are much better than that day in August. It’s an old saying but I have seen Saints play far better than last night and lose! If you don’t make it this season, as much as I dislike the personality, Warnock will get you up next season. There is no team coming down to really worry you, although they will have shed loads to spend! Good luck for the rest of the season, as long as it’s not at our expense. Hoping we make it, if WHU don’t I think they’ll do a pompey.

  • Purky

    Truth is that Leeds played better than us last night. We were strong on the break but Warnock is already making a difference. Good front line that were thwarted by our Kelvin between the sticks!! Good luck for the  rest of the season. My Bro lives near you lot but follows the “Blades” as there kit is similar to ours !! Next three games are critical for you!! Get your back 4 sorted then results will come your way!!!! No charge for advise!!!

    • number1inyorkshire

       @Purky well you have said it all no point replying but we were the better side but lost warnock will sort us next season when you are on your way back down ….
      the fact is that we were better than you in everything yesterday when you scored that is all you did to be fair. you lot will have to up your game a little and a lot next season if you dont then the writing is on the wall you are a good championship side but a relegated premier league side..
      but at least you will be there..
      good luck for the remainder

  • Purky

    No one want to reply?!! depressed or hung over or just pissed off!!

  • Purky

    What do I have to say to get a response!!

    • TSS

       @Purky Sorry mate, we didn’t realise how desperate for attention you were. Would you like a hug? 

  • Purky

    No balls, no come backs, no comments!!

  • Purky

    This site is a pile of toss!!!

  • Purky

    I am a £40K per annum earner and have been to Elland Rd twice but not this year. Ticket prices are OK Last time I went the seating was cramped , the facilities poor and the stewards were insistant that we sat down ( strange noting that there were loads of home fans not being told to do so!!! Home fans seemed to be friendly and accepting of the fact that we are a better side and well manged club currently. 

  • Purky

    So pleasing that this site cant take it back, jog on all Leeds fans!!!

  • Southampton till i die!

    You dirty leeds bastards how does it feel Premiership you dirty leeds scummy bastards

  • Saintstza

    I live in Southampton and find this funny. To all the Soton residents bitching in these comments, grow a sense of humour. You’re only making us look worse.

  • hookerLAD

    A bit too kind really.

  • Ricky Lambert

    Change point 6

  • ciaran

    10/10 thats all i can say

  • Elizabeth

    Bahahaha you forgot the enormous student population and their beloved Jesters!

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