Ken Bates has been anything but a happy bunny lately. If there was one thing that could be said for Ken, it was that the cheeky cockney chappy always had a mischevious (and to many, worrying) smile on his face. Well, no more… The past couple of months have taken their toll. This week we commisioned a… Southerner… to capture Ken during his weekly address to the Republic. We thought the soft southern twonk was actually going to capture him, but instead he came back with a ridiculously life-like painting of some kind:

Clearly, unless the artist is embellishing, Ken is miserable. In fact, he looks positively Scottish. Indeed, I’m not sure it’s even Ken at all! But I’ll give the lad the benefit of the doubt. I just gave him a whole fiver, so if it turns out this is a con I’ll cry – except, as a Yorkshireman I don’t know how. I’ll collapse into a corner and fall into an emotionally broken, tearless convulsion. Yes, that’s more like it.

I think Ken is miserable, though. Just last week he bemoaned to his butler Ben Fry:

They can hand it out, but they can’t take it… All the chanting rude things about me- when I called them morons they were most upset… “How dare he?!”… Well if you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen!

And there’s the rub. Ken Bates doesn’t realise that he is married (metaphorically, obviously) to Leeds United. We’re the woman, of course; a cold, hard, fugly Yorkshire-woman. Neil Warnock’s the new nanny, and the players the kids (or babies as the old Irish nanny, O’Leary called them). Warnock’d better do a good job with our kids ‘else it’ll be no references for him. Grayson walked straight into another job with our references. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. But that other one who was around for a few weeks – “Redders” or “Reddersy” or “Reddo” or whatever – he was lucky not to get a horsewhipping, I’ll tell you!

But I digress.

We’re the woman, of course, because we’re screwed once a week (twice if we’re “lucky”) by the rich beardy old man of the house. Ken’s a good head of the household? Maybe, but he does have an annoying habit of initiating neighbourhood feuds, and can anybody who’s paid his ticket prices call the feeling anything except being screwed?

We’re only Ken’s third club! His first was a feisty young barmaid called Oldham. An impulsive if talented young man, Ken’s schemes promised much and no amount of hurdles would stop him from taking Oldham with him to that promised land called “Europe”. I heard Europeans don’t wash and they’re only interested in stealing our money – and selling pegs – curious people.

But I digress, again.

After another hurdle brought the family into a cash crisis, Ken insisted::

Gordon [the nanny] has asked for a free hand and backing. He’ll get both from me. Europe is our goal, and it can be done.

Alas, no amount of “This time next year, Oldham, we’ll be millionaires” could placate her after half a decade of empty promises. Ken left, heartbroken, in 1969. Oldham continued her life in happy mediocrity. She was a simple girl really, not matching his ambitions. It took Ken over a decade to get back in the saddle. Towards the end, there were rumours that he was a full-time mother’s boy, if you know what I mean!

By now probably a deeply frustrated man, Ken wasted no time in impressing a new object for his devotions. Well-to-do, Chelsea had fallen on hard luck amidst impulsive gambling and frivolous spending. Ken quickly used his rogueish business talents to wipe her debts away, and the two began a long and passionate relationship, restoring Chelsea’s house to her and employing some top nannies to look after the kids who soon took back award after award from school.

Nevertheless, Chelsea had a black heart. Ever demanding more and more, she had convinced the doting Kenneth to build extravagent additions to the estate. It pushed the family deep into debt. Spotting an end to the cash-flow, Chelsea ran off with a reclusive Russian sugar-daddy with a similar beard.She’s swimming in money now, but her kids are spoilt and unloved and she’s addicted to a plethora of drugs.

Ken was heartbroken. But then he came across another lady down on her luck. The resemblence was uncanny. Leeds United quickly married Ken out of necessity. He didn’t buy her house, but the new mystery owner was mysteriously happy to let her reside there. He pushed her into bankruptcy, despite her pleas. Eventually more mysterious people effectively bought her debts.

By 2007 Leeds was demoted to living well below how she was accustomed, mysterious powers seemingly controlled by her husband controlled her house and – in effect – her. But her spirit wasn’t crushed. She nagged over her kids’ tutelage, she nagged over his spending habits. Leeds United is still married to Ken, and she’s still the same harridan as he married. If there’s one woman’s spirit he can’t crush it’s Leeds’.

But Leeds shares Ken’s ambitions, his stubbornness. In many more ways than either would like to admit, it’s a marriage made in heaven. But only if Ken remembers his wife when concocting his latest schemes. He’s miserable and hen-pecked – just as all married men are. He could always divorce her…

Perhaps Ken is coming round to the fact that the only way to keep an old harridan like Leeds quiet is to give her some of what she wants? And even humour her while she pretends to know how to run a business and other mens’ matters, even if it means curbing his spending on whatever maniacal schemes he’s hatching? Maybe! Just maybe…

  • That’s your problem I figured it out your clueless, you firstly can’t spot a con of a painting but I’ll give you credit for the fact you had a fiver to give. Secondly you gave references to the tactically inept Grayson and that you felt sorry for him, I’ll remind you that he was the person who acquired this unbalanced, untalented squad, that is rather plump with injury prone players that will never get near the first team. The fact is that the “extravagant additions to the estate” (sic) is exactly what attracted the Russian sugar daddy to CFC in the first place. In reply to your comment He “pushed her into bankruptcy, despite her pleas” In the UK companies do not go bankrupt, bankruptcy is reserved for individuals and not companies! Companies running out of money instead enter a Company Voluntary Arrangement (CVA), go into administration or receivership, or are wound up but I digress.

    • RafaLUFC

       @Gary Cooper Time for you to realise your opinion is not valued here. Shut up and leave.

      • Tim Campbell

         @RafaLUFC  @Gary Cooper
         Here here rafa!! Although I think the picture is quite appropriate in old greybeards case. He is resembling one of Harry Enfields characters more and more – one of the old gits!! PS methinks Mr Cooper is either the other old git or perhaps papa smurf himself

      • AndyFROST

         @RafaLUFC  @Gary Cooper   An opinion you don’t like rafa.  In the interests of democracy all opinions are valued.  You’re on the wrong URL if you think this is not valued.  I concur Gary, Rafa doesn’t like it because he doesn’t understand it.

        • RafaLUFC

           @AndyFROST  @Gary Cooper I can’t take anyone seriously who eats up everything that bates says and doesn’t have the common sense to question the opinions of a man who makes lying a professional sport. Keep in mind that all this “Gary Cooper” has done is slag off anyone just for voicing their opinion, has come on every post aimed at mocking or questioning the current regime and aggressively made a point that “ken is right and you are wrong. Shut up and back the team or don’t bother coming”, and has generally argued against free speech of people who don’t feel they are getting what they pay for. I simply say his opinion is not valid as he has demonstrated it is just a regurgitation of what bates constantly spouts at us, which we have already expressed we don’t have time for and are in the process of addressing via the LUST movement. In a peaceful and democratic manner. I said his opinion isn’t valid because I didn’t have the energy to systematically point out everything wrong with bates business model for the 1000th time to someone who doesn’t have the common sense to see where things don’t add up.

        • RafaLUFC

           @AndyFROST  @Gary Cooper And I understand it perfectly, without the need for condescending misanthropes like you. I guarantee that Abrahmovic has since realised the Chelsea Village developments were a waste of time and money in the light that the club wanted to demolish them but bates wouldn’t allow it out of spite. The whole project might have looked nice and attractive, but it ended up being a financial black hole. Just like the stadium developments at Elland Road. I’ll point out once again that the club does not own Elland Road, it is owned by an offshore company with anonymous owners. Where have we heard that before?

    • number1inyorkshire

       @Gary Cooper I feel i should keep it formal Mr cooper you talk a good game but i feel i should ask what are your points …
      you are right that Bates sold chelsea village and threw in a football club but Bates would not have sold it if it wasn’t going pear shaped ,had that been the case he would have gone bankrupt so it was self preservation ,. you can not come on here and say 1 thing without knowing that someone will come back with the facts there is however 2 sides to most stories thed real story is he very nearly bankrupted Chelsea and was within minutes literally of doing just that the fact Abramovich bought them is well irrelevant to the argument

      • number1inyorkshire

         @Gary Cooper sorry liquidated chelsea not bankrupted

        • mattbb1

           @number1inyorkshire  @Gary Cooper  oh god he’s back. Proving that Bates isnt trying to infiltrate our site. The method, boring us to tears and having the last word. Hi Gary.

        • TimPM

           @mattbb1  @number1inyorkshire  @Gary Cooper Matt, I don’t think you should insult Ken Bates. He’s probably got far more to entertain him in Monaco than to come up with some of the rubbish “Gary” spouts.
          Probably Shaun Harvey, lol.
          And no Gary, before you write a novel disecting the above, that’s a joke too – just like the article. Humour, pal. It’s what people do. Go meet some!

    • TSS

       @Gary Cooper Whilst I have no problem with you voicing an alternative opinion – although would ask, you do so constructively without resorting to personal insults – I’ve blocked the account you’re posting under as you’re trying to pass yourself off as someone you’re clearly not. If you want to post under your own name, that’s fine.  

    • TimPM

       @Gary Cooper Oh Gary, lighten up pal! You disect a piss-take post? You’d’ve had a field-day on other-Gary’s Narcissism post!

  • It is fact that LUFC should have entered administration as soon as they was relegated from the premier leagues instead Krasner and McKenzie decided to sell it’s assets including stadia and training ground yet this site holds KB responsible for this it is fact that without doing what he did for Leeds then LUFC would have been liquidated by know remember the other option was Simon Morris but again I digress. KB has been proven to back managers at CFC and at LUFC there is no doubt he will back NW in the summer. Why else would Warnock have come to LUFC?

    • Tim Campbell

      @Gary Can I call you Ken? Ken what you ne glected to say is what you we’re going to do with our club if your offer was not accepted after coming

    • Tim Campbell

      @Gary Can I call you Ken? Ken what you ne glected to say is what you we’re going to do with our club if your offer was not accepted after coming

  • number1inyorkshire

    the new fit and proper persons rules agreed today will make him more miserable ,
    that and the fact he has an friend in mr cooper

    • yorkwhite1

       Sorry not being funny but what are the new rules?

      • number1inyorkshire

         @yorkwhite1 don’t know all the ins and outs as yet just caught a bit on sky sports news we will loose another 25 points no doubt ….lol

  • mattbb1

    good article tim, interesting analgoy that ken is servicing us all weekly? can we ask for a divorce?

    • TimPM

       @mattbb1 No. Surely divorcing him would stir up these mysterious forces who own our house?
      Don’t want to end up destitute, or paying ludcrous rent, surely? :-)
      Although in reality I think the rent at ER is fixed?

      • TimPM

         @mattbb1 … and I guess us lot talking are the schizophrenic personalities in Leeds’ head?!

        • mattbb1

          I wonder if Leeds United was to visit a psychiatrist what the diagnosis would be!

  • DARREN1965lufc

    you got the picture wrong. i was there the guy just stood in a pile of ken bates . the stink was so bad i knew i should not take any of it in

  • Colin

    Nice article Tim. When you put it like that, it makes me think that this whole story should be made into a film.
    You could get Sean Bean to play Neil Warnock!

  • Bluesman

    God you nearly made me feel sorry for Smurf! We have all been nagged and subject to abuse by militant wives who are a bit unfair and unkind. Note that wives and not wife is very revealiang, lol. Now maybe, just maybe the old fart is listening but pretending not to hear! Could he therefore be persuaded to be a little more genorous with the team and kind to the fans? Will Ken be remembered as the villain of the piece or the saviour of Leeds United? Things change and memories are short lived. We will have to wait and see. By the way, not sure of  wife as a metaphor, but perhaps a mistress, lol! Who knows?  Good article though, really good article!

  • TSS NoEvidencedSubstance

    It’s funny how TSS blocks people for asking for substance and evidence, stating “I’ve blocked the account you’re posting under as you’re trying to pass yourself off as someone you’re clearly not. If you want to post under your own name, that’s fine”

    Looking at the criteria to post you ask for a user name and not someone’s real name, even given that how do you know for certain that the posters name was not called Gary Cooper, it is evident that your main purpose for blocking him was because he challenged this site to provide evidence, you did not ban or warn any of the abusive replies why is that because they agree with your opinion by my recollection this is the second person you have banned in the last 2 weeks, neither of them was abusive and both provided a balanced alternate opinion that requested evidence and substance to this sites posts! It’s laughable that you feel outraged by LUFC banning peoples ticket purchasing when you ban people for no reason!!

    • TimPM

       @TSS NoEvidencedSubstance Frankly, when you start trying to defend taking somebody’s identity by there being no warning against it, you start to look completely ridiculous.
      There’s plenty of things you’re not told to avoid doing. That doesn’t make it a good idea to then do it.