Guest submission by Tom Mordey

Uncle Ken is never the most popular man around Elland Road, especially given the recent contract situation with certain players. He’s also none-too-popular with those who play the game given his tendency to produce rather outlandish comments and insult almost everyone in sight. Here’s a selection of 10 ‘witticisms’ from Mr Bates.

KB on signing Claude Makelele: “Makelele? Who does he play for? I’ve only ever heard of his brother, Ukelele.”

KB on resigning from the Wembley National Stadium Board: “Even Jesus Christ only had one Pontius Pilate – I had a whole team of them.”

KB on his work at Leeds United: The rebuilding of Leeds United is a bit like sex. “In an age of instant gratification, Leeds United is having a long, drawn-out affair with plenty of foreplay and slow arousal.”

KB on why American tourists were not visiting Chelsea Village: “Experience shows that after a disaster it is particularly difficult with the Americans, who appear to be quite cowardly despite their Rambo films.”

KB on the security at Marseille’s stadium: “Our fans were systematically abused all evening without any provocation and yet we were fined. A bit like being put in a Nazi concentration camp and being charged an admission fee.”

KB on England’s World Cup Chances: “Hump it, bump it, whack it! It might be a recipe for a good sex life, but it won’t win the World Cup.”

KB after Chelsea had reported him for his conduct: “I haven’t laughed so much since Ma caught her tits in the mangle.”

KB on the benefits of the Chinese choosing Leeds as their Olympic base for 2012: “All Leeds gets is increased sales of sweet and sour pork.”

KB when trying to reduce the age of his Chelsea side: “I got calls from Italy last summer and one agent offered me Batistuta. He told me ‘Batistuta wants to come to Chelsea’. I said ‘I’m sure he does, but we’ve stopped signing pensioners’.”

KB on Martin O’Neill after O’Neill called him a cretin: “It takes one to know one. I’m surprised Martin O’Neill actually knows a word as big as cretin.”

Written by Tom Mordey from The Coin Toss. Also found on Twitter @The_CoinToss