As the January transfer window opens, now seems a good opportunity to clear the air and let all you morons know what’s happening with the squad, the “hotel” and the manager. First though, I’ll have to go back to the beginning.

When I sold Chelsea to the dreadful Russian in 2003 I had a bit of a problem with HMRC. They seemed particularly keen on levying capital gains tax at 18%. Never having been a great fan of Her Majesty’s exchequer, I decided to divert much of the profit into a charitable trust as a tax efficient vehicle. While I could have simply invested the revenue into an anonymous offshore hedge fund, the Charity Commission were being slightly awkward at the time. I had to find a way to produce at least the appearance of charitable work happening.

That’s where my good friend Bana Tchanile came in. He knew of an orphanage in Lagos which was desperately in need of a new roof. Naturally I stepped in (just before an audit by the charity commission as it happened). Over the following years it became clear that our act of kindness was having unexpected effects. The boys formed a football team and even got some international experience against Bahrain thanks to Bana’s contacts.

That was when I knew that all my problems with playing staff wages would soon be over.

Moving forward to the winter of 2010, things were looking good at Leeds United. I’d got young Larry in and he’d done well in giving the supporters one less thing to whine about when we moved into the Championship. It was clear though that I’d been spending recklessly on players. We were in serious danger of being promoted twice in two seasons and I couldn’t contemplate the investment which would have been required to make us competitive in the Premier League. That’s when I instructed young Larry to start stuffing the first team with crocks and workshy pensioners. If the squad we had could threaten for promotion then I knew I had a better alternative.

It was remarkably easy to get planning permission for the “hotel”. Why on earth those morons at Leeds City Council thought anyone in their right mind would want to build a “hotel” in Beeston is completely beyond me, but they fell for it hook line and sinker. A “hotel” in Beeston? You’re kidding right? Did any of you fall for that as well? It’d be like building a casino in Khartoum. As staff sleeping quarters however, it starts to look a little different…

Anyway, I digress. By the end of this season we’ll have accommodation for 35 of the boys from the Lagos orphanage, and I’m told we’ll be able to get them into the country on work permits due to their experience on the Togo “national team” last year. They’re all very keen to play, and while not exactly natural goal scorers, their fitness levels are improving all the time, at least according to Pete Lorimer who’s been secretly visiting the orphanage twice a year since late 2008. There’s no way they’re promotion hopefuls, but that’s not in the BUSINESS PLAN, and they’ll still tear strips off the likes of Millwall.

So there you have it. A new first team for the 2012 / 13 season. They don’t seem to want much in the way of wages, and I’ve already lined up young Larry’s ex-Mrs to come in every afternoon and cook them a square meal. She does a mean pie and mash, and what she can do with a pork sausage would seriously blow your mind!

Which brings me onto young Larry himself. The recent rumours to the effect that his job is under threat are, unfortunately, well founded. I’m starting to think that his heart really isn’t in it any more, and he’s told me himself that he’s starting to get quite frustrated with the secret “no promotion” clause Shaun and I added to his contract last year. I have to admit that it’s partly my fault, but young Larry had a cold last week and when he said “Andros Townsend” to me over the phone, I honestly though he’d said he wanted to sign “more dross”. I could see from his reaction at the final whistle against Burnley on Monday that we may be facing a parting of the ways, and if he puts Shaun and me through many more comebacks like that it could come sooner rather than later. We have the BUSINESS PLAN to consider after all.

I hope this goes some way towards reassuring you all that I really do have the best interests of our football club at heart. Morons.

Written by James Dorsey

  • Just another Leeds fan

    Kean out

    • Markiimus

      @Just another Leeds fan That’s Blackburn. Wrong shed.

  • Matt

    This isn’t amusing. You’re wasting my time.

    • TSS

      As opposed to a real statement from Mr. Chairman?

      • Durhamwhite

        Is this not a real statement ? Haha thought the old fossil had been smoking summit there for a minute

  • Paul South Wales

    zzzzzzzzz

  • Trying to hard

    Bates > this boring shit

    • Lighten up old bean

      Don’t read it then. Spend 4 quid on a programme instead. Unless you are Ken in disguise

  • I agree with Matt. Just another cheap jibe at Bates. It’s all getting a bit boring and totally non productive.

    • TSS

      @Clive Sanderson Lighten up you miserable gits. The dour Yorkshireman stereotype doing overtime here.

    • Jez_Scott

      @Clive Sanderson Bates is a parasite. How any LUFC fan can continue to believe his bull is beyond me. He once said he wouldn’t rest until Leeds and their suppoters were wiped out of football – what better way to destroy us than from inside?

    • Doctor Kenneth

      @Clive Sanderson

      It’s been boring for a long time, I think TSS should seek treatment for Compulsive Obsessive disorder.

      Or maybe he could try sex or something healthy.

      Doctor Kenneth.

  • morleywhite

    gk lonergan

    rb?

    lb white

    cb lees

    cb?

    rm snodgrass

    lm townsend

    dcm?

    acm clayton

    str mccormack

    str?

    in my eyes these lads are worthy of startin in a team that i believe are good enough to get out of championship this season,with howson,pugh,becchio o dea and somma good enough squad players with thompson maybe added to that list.so thats four new players to go in to the startin eleven.cant see this happening like.

  • Judy

    I found this article quite amusing. It is only saying (in jest) what a lot of Leeds fans believe!

  • Chareose

    we may jest but the idea then cuddly ken didnt particularly want promotion last season or this season is very beleivable……..

    • BarneyWhite

      @Chareose I agree – Leeds should have been promoted last season if our weaknesses were resolved during January

  • Markiimus

    How on Earth did you get @OfficialLUFC to tweet about this?!?! They do realise it’s a joke, don’t they?!?!?

  • Chareose

    Theirry Henry to play against us in the cup…..think its time to visit ladbrookes and put a fiver on Henry to score a debut hatrick :o(

    • Chareose

      “And now the sports news” Its estimated that almost 10,000 Leeds fans won the jackpot today as Thierry Henry discarded his walking stick and incontinence pants to score a hatrick against Leeds United in the FA Cup. Henry (96 years old this year) made a happy return debut for Arsenal after 3 years playing with the New York Knob Jockees and made life torrid for the Leeds Defence. Why so many leeds fans betted against their team is not certain but some have pointed to a blog site on the internet as to where it may have started….

      • number1inyorkshire

        @Chareose new york knob jockeys is a fantastic name for a “SOCCER FRANCHISE” i wish though terry henry was signing for us even at 96 and for 2 months ,any body else think we should hi jack it????

  • morleywhite

    anybody know anything about ex derby and doncaster player giles barnes?

    according to a rumour site hes signing for leeds.seen as hes out of contract and wont cost us a penny they may be some truth in it.anybody heard owt?

    • number1inyorkshire

      @morleywhite He trained with us before on trial and went to scotland with leeds pre season i think .of he went somewhere else .could be the truth don’t know where he has been since though !!!

      • morleywhite

        plays wide right or behind striker apparantly.prob a good standard of player but would prefer some defenders first.

        • Gryff

          @morleywhite Decent lad, from what I heard he did decently on a 6month contract at Barnsley. But I guess we’d have to out-pay them for him since I haven’t heard he got injured again and I guess they’d want him too.

          Surely we can out-spend Barnsley, right?

          (psst TSS this is where you role out your statistic…)

  • number1inyorkshire

    there is a lot of money at stake with embarrassment payment from the dark days of admin should we go up too early there is more than a sniff of truth in that 5-6 million i believe ,

    mind if we don’t go up and bates saves that money he might give it to lazza to spend LOL LOL LOL

    • Matthew

      @number1inyorkshire

      Speaking of money, we’re in need of a lot for a Premier league quality side if we do go up, heck I can’t see most of this squad playing in the Premier league personally, it’l be one of those transfer windows where pretty much anyone and everyone is up for sale.

      We’d be stuck with a skeleton crew of a dozen decent players should fortune smile upon us in the playoffs(We’re never getting auto, that’s just ridiculus).

  • morleywhite

    leeds best 11 from wilko team to today.anybody agree

    martyn

    kelly

    dorigo

    radebe

    woodgate

    stracken

    batty

    macca

    speedo

    hasselbaink

    yeboah

    • Captaincrash

      @morleywhite an on fire/up for it Viduka?

      • morleywhite

        viduka maybe for the sub bench mate good striker but cant see past yeboah and jimmy.

  • morleywhite

    was guna put rio in for woody but couldnt do it lol

  • horncastle89

    you do talk bollocks if you were a leeds fan you wouldn’t talk shite all the time

    • Gryff

      @horncastle89 You did notice that it was a guest article? lol

      • TSS

        @Gryff@horncastle89 Regardless, I find it’s pointless replying when they include the words ‘if you were a Leeds fan’. If the best Bates apologists can come up with is to question the fans support then the battle is already won.

    • Dorsey

      @horncastle89 Harmless fun old chap. There are both good and bad points to living with Uncle Ken. If we don’t laugh about it we’ll go mad though.

  • Chareose

    For me Henry was the best payer in the country and possibly Europe when he was at Arsenal, he was a fool for leaving and he probably realises that now….the grass is not always greener

    • number1inyorkshire

      @Chareose thierry henry was without doubt in the top 5of the best prem players i ever saw and and in the top 10 / 11 in the world in my time watching footy .

      i personally do not like to compare differing times and players from that time to another as football is fluid and changing all the time ..

      but there has been some fantastic club teams .leeds ,arsenal ,liverpool and others have had 1 at differing times but Henry is up there with the best

    • Chareose

      @number1inyorkshire

      true…

  • Rodge

    Hahahajahahahahaha class

  • Irving08

    I trust I won’t be labelled as -pro or -anti anyone if I say that successful caricature has to resemble the original more convincingly than does the proffered piece. Have another look at the Chairman’s programme notes…..

    • Matthew

      @Irving08

      The only aspect of the Ken Bates regime I agree with, is finding a way to keep Leeds United in the black, so the club makes money rather than losing like most other teams in this league paying stupid wages, however we need a middle ground that allows us to recruit fairly decent players, that fit into what would be a reasonable wage structure that keeps us as a club afloat.

      • Irving08

        As a gneral rule I agree – the problem comes in defining what is ‘the middle ground’. KB says that it is up to SG to determine how the pot is to be divided up. Now either the pot is not big enough or SG is opting for a big squad rather than requesting that higher wages be paid to fewer, but better players. None of these decisions are easy: neither the optimal pot or squad size. But so long as we fans are united in our commitment to the Idea of a Leeds United (which transcends transient incarnations) we may sometime enjoy the rare pleasure of agreement.

        • TSS

          @Irving08 Either way, that means he’s forced to compromise in a division where our turnover is second only to the parachute teams. We’re getting outdone on wages by Ipswich for christ sake, it’s ludicrous.

          Since we know Grayson doesn’t spend on players – and when he does, he does so well usually; Gradel and McCormack for example – then you’d expect to see a big outlay on wages, but this simply is not the case. The accounts prove we don’t spend anywhere near what the “big” clubs in this division do – we’re massively average in this respect.

          That leaves quantity which is another Bates fallacy. We do not have the huge squad Bates rattles on about – on the contrary in fact. We have the fourth smallest squad in the division.

          To sum up. Leeds have a very average wage budget, one of the divisions smallest squads and spend next to nothing on transfers. Quite how anyone can complain about Grayson finishing 7th last season and bordering the play-offs this time round is beyond me.

    • number1inyorkshire

      @Irving08 have you been playing scrabble over christmas

      • Irving08

        @number1inyorkshire

        Blame Chairman God.

  • Irving08

    We will beat Arsenal.

  • morleywhite

    Now Paddys out for the season whos guna play center half with darren O Dea at the emirates?aparantly Lees Bromby and Bruce are doubts,if no additions are made this week whos guna slot in maybe young monty gimpel?maybe a opportunity for the lad but would he realy be ready to play in such a high profile game against Henry and co?

  • Irving08

    Connolly has played centre half ! But – apparently – he’s another who has got up Simon’s nose.

  • Simon Hughes

    haha………nearly believed it!!!

  • Christopher Deighton

    About time it was all cleared up hahaha !

  • Gary Lufc Nicholson

    Read true don’t it? lol

  • Rob Atkinson

    It’s unfunny shite.

  • Mike Williams

    good one haha

  • Michael Lufc Quinn

    Is it really him talking? Or some1 just made it up?

  • James Walker

    This is just the transcript of his Yorkshire radio interview from yesterday

  • Paul Marsden

    I dont think it will be exactly what he said

  • The Scratching Shed

    It was a bullshit-free translation.

  • Paul Fabretti

    A work of genius!

  • Nathanael Dannenberg

    Reckon you might be getting a call from kenneth!

  • Jerry Smith

    load of bollocks . not kens biggea

  • Jerry Smith

    sorry not kens biggest fan but who did we want simon morris ffs

  • Billy Leeds

    audio available Thursday on the Glory Glory Leeds Show! ;)

  • David Foster

    Ha ha!!

  • Jeff Craven

    He will be seething the old con merchant!