If there’s one thing Twitter has taught me it’s that celebrities and football players are some of the most boring and tedious people on the planet.

There are some rare exceptions to this rule, such as former Leeds United striker Brian Deane who I teamed up with the other night to poke fun at the club’s press officer, Paul Dews. But he’s old school, nowadays footballers are less interesting than a Sunday afternoon on the BBC.

Rather disappointingly, footballers seem relatively… normal!

Their updates are about as exciting as watching my friends lives pass by on Facebook where I discover that ‘Joanne has just put her baby to sleep’ and that ‘Michael is going to take a shower’. Quite how I’d have managed to continue breathing without that information I do not know.

Did social networking bring the lives of footballers and “normal folk” like myself closer together, or did it simply expose the fact that footballers lifestyles are as depressingly ordinary as our own?

I fail to believe that had Twitter been around when Paul Gasgoine and George Best were in their prime that I’d be reading some totally useless facts like those Andy O’Brien shared last night.

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It’s not just O’Brien either. The rest of the Leeds United side that are on Twitter spend what appears to be their entire lives either training, getting ready to go to training, going to sleep in preparation for training or playing FIFA on the PS3 (virtual training?)

Where are the crazy alcohol-fuelled, coma-inducing parties where lingerie models stroll around flirtatiously pouting towards every passer-by? Where are the late night Police raids and lectures from the management for the sorry state they arrived to training in? (You know, like Footballers Wives!) Where did it all go wrong?

Have footballers actually started acting like professionals? I know they like to throw that term around a lot, but I didn’t think they were being serious.

Is the rise of the internet merely a coincidence, or are these overgrown children caught in the same trap of online porn, social networking and live gaming that the rest of a generation has been hypnotised by?

Footballers are supposed to be the rockstars of sport. We’re supposed to hate them because of their carefree attitudes, party-heavy lifestyles and absolute indifference to money. They’re supposed to be smashing up £110,000 sportscars and blowing their life earnings on cocaine not sat at home watching some crap reality TV show;

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Aside from the odd John Terry moment, it really does seem the footballing lifestyle has become a tediously boring one. It’s a sad state of affairs when George Michael’s life appears more exciting than that of your average footballer.

So, for the benefit of any kids reading this. If you want to live a life of care-free drunken debauchery with an endless supply of loose women and exciting newspaper scandals I see only two remaining options – rock star or Blue Peter presenter.

  • Gryff

    You didn’t honestly think they’d tell you how they just snorted a line and are on their 8th double whiskey? Or to think ‘must stop this threesome to update my twitter’? :D

    • TSS

      Of course not, but I do wonder where they’d fit such activities in with all the sleep, FIFA and Twitter updates. Not very rock n roll is it?

      • Gryff

        Maybe our lot are just sheltered? :P

        Can only imagine Rooney on Twitter…!

  • Hellster

    Brilliant piece! I’m encouraging my grandson to be a footballer for sure!

  • chrome dome

    Ye, nice article TSS :) i wish we had more bad boy personalities in the game today…

  • me

    Well, knowing that ross mccormack and clayton like doing lines and molesting girls in nightclubs, I am shocked they dont brag about it. Twats They are!

    • TSS

      Haha, do you have proof of these allegations?

  • Chris from Wakey

    I know modern, professional atheletes must behave themselves, eat the right things and suchlike but twitter and facebook reminds me o Cliff Richard claiming to be a rock’n’roll singer. It doesn’t fit – there must be a football equivalent of chucking tele’s out of hotel windows or drving Rollers into swimming pools. Maybe’s the players should take lessons from the Leeds fans!

    • Jailhouse John

      Well, obviously you have never heard ‘Move It’,’Never Mind’, ‘Dynamite’ or ‘Apron Strings’. All brilliant examples of 1950’s Rock and Roll.

  • captaincrash

    Going off on slight tangent I fear for Gazza seriously. I know he was never one of us but for a while he lit up the football scene, Italia ’90 and all that.

  • Acid

    @ TSS… of the molestation, yes, of the lines, or whatever they were on.. no medical fact, sadly, but they were well out of it..

    • TSS

      Heard from Cardiff fans McCormack had a bit of a reputation when we signed him. Was speaking to one the other day that asked if he’d been behaving himself as it happens. Thought he had at the time – at least he hasn’t hit the papers yet…

  • chrome dome

    Gazza should have played for Leeds. Absolute legend in his day! I hope he’s doing ok?