Riverside mansion in Hull

The Scratching Shed has been inundated with emails from confused Leeds United fans wondering who this Hull City team we’re playing tonight is? It’s no surprise the confusion is so rife when our NewsNow feed is hijacked by the Tigers (ra, ra, ra) official site telling us that ‘Pride’ is at stake!

As an independent and totally unbiased (well… sort of…) source of Leeds United news and opinion, we felt it was imperative we addressed this issue and provided confused Whites fans with a little background information on tonight’s opposition.

Our fearless roaming reporter brought us this;

“On first impressions, you could be mistaken for thinking Hull is a cross between Alabama and Little Britain. Second and third impressions would back-up those thoughts…

“The local population is predominantly mid-twenties males wearing hooded tops who walk with their heads down, presumably to avoid ‘outsiders’ like myself from staring at their rotting teeth and unusual facial features.

“Hull fans favourite past time (aside from queueing at the dole office) appears to be comparing themselves to Leeds United, for whom they are eternally jealous of.

“The small-time inferiority complex seems to have been boosted by a brief – and largely insignificant – spell in the Premier League, which they remind anyone who’ll listen of at every available opportunity.

“This brief spell in England’s top flight has also boosted their delusional expectations quite remarkably. Whilst impartial observers like myself can see Hull City will inevitably drop back into the lower tiers where they belong, the supporters insist that the Premier League has a place for Hull City and that they’ll be back in no time. I’m sure Manchester United, Chelsea et al can’t wait.

“As I made my way out of Hull, longing for the 21st century luxuries residents of Leeds take for granted (like electricity, running water and jobs), I was struck with the realisation that this town needs our help much more than the people in Africa.

“And with that in mind, I called Bono to arrange a concert…”

The Scratching Shed apologises for anyone affected by this truly tear-jerking report. Donations to Bono’s latest mission to “Save the ‘Ull” can be sent to Department for Work and Pensions who will be sure to pass it on in some form of benefit or another.

  • Lambrettaman

    Q. What sort of a cunt wrote this?

    A . A complete one.

    • TSS

      @LambrettaMan

      Ahh, been a while. You graced us with your presence the last time I baited the Hull fans.

      I’m sure it’s hard to accept the realities of life in Hull, but our roaming reporter prides himself of his accuracy. The truth can hurt though…

      Anyway, we’ll have to catch up later on as I – unfortunately – have to drive to Hull to watch the mighty Whites try and figure out why you love us so much.

      Ra, ra, ra…

      • Lambrettaman

        Indeed, I do my best to educate the less fortunate amongst us, but alas, I fear my missionary work has been unsuccessful with regard to your sad and sorry publication.

        Maybe I should post an reciprocal article on the Hull board, I could do a good one on the UK base for suicide bombers, or do you think that pointing out much of your place is a shithole infested with Muslim extremists would be going a tad too far?

        Easy to post inane drivel to annoy people isn’t it, my keep net is ready.

  • henry vincent lewis

    Hell, Hull & Halifax!!!

  • Rickster

    Typical Leeds United full of charm and wit……………………………… get back in your hooded top and go back to sleep before you cause a mischief.

  • leedsthroughnthrough

    What a belter ! …….. Funny as f**k. It got my nomination for the Booker literary prize

  • Nasty Jim

    LOL @ TSS… great stuff fella.

    MOT!!!

  • Mirts

    As a Leeds fan living in the Hull area I have to say your report is partly incorrect. Hull fans are not jealous of Leeds. In fact most of them are Leeds fans, who claim that they always had a soft spot for Hull. Funny how a couple of relegations and promotions later they all love Hull and hate Leeds.

    They also seem to think that we care about this so called rivalry!! Of course we enjoy nothing more then defeating these ‘Tigers’ but I would hardly put them in the same category as our true rivals of Man U, Chelsea, Sheff Utd etc etc… Hull fans just don’t get the fact that they hold no true threat our Yorkshire dominance and they never will.

  • Doug

    TSS give em a break it’s difficult to read when your eyes are on the top of your head and so close together plus very difficult to type with webbing rather than fingers luckily they live near the sea where it comes in useful another town full of Leeds fans the ones who are evolved enough to know better

  • Joey

    they’re always comparing themselfs to leeds because before peter taylor took over half of them used to support leeds.
    When we where in the champions league i saw atleast 100 of them in Leeds and bradford airport sportin their ‘Hull Whites’ tops lol

  • smudger Hull Whites RMC

    hi tss whilst i do live in hull i am an avid leeds fan from birth… and i must say im fed up of the chip on the shoulder of most city ull fans. i dont think they relise we dont have a rivalry with them.. give it 2 seasons all will be righted and we will be in premiership and they will be in league 1. also the best thing about Hull is the A63 as it means i can forget the shit hole on a Saturday for the gelldard end MOT

  • Lambrettaman

    You’re fucking shite, you should have been 4-0 down by half time.

    Promotion?

    Not a fucking chance.

  • Mark Richardson

    Or look at it another way, you should have been 4-0 up at half time, and you ended up throwing away a 2 goal lead. Playoffs? Not a fucking chance. You’ve had your run of glory, piss off back down to league 2 where you belong.

  • Tim Wilsom

    He’s right tho, we are fkin shite. Can we win a friggin game

  • Mark Richardson

    He’s not right to claim we’re shit because we’re not great at defending when they are shit because they can’t score to save their lives. Was pointed out before the match we have no less than 4 players who have scored more goals that Hulls top scorer.

    Either way, we’re going up at some point, they are going back down to league 2.

  • Lambrettaman

    We’re not going anywhere near League Two, unlike you, we have owners with money who are willing to invest in the squad, over half the players in the game last night only signed in January window. 16 goals scored in the last ten games, how is that not being able to score? If wasn’t for Kasper we’d have put at least five past you last night.

    We did throw away a two goal lead, which is disappointing, but it was fun watching you get completely battered for the entire half. Your defense is utterly shite and that’s why you won’t go up. The difference between us and you, is we don’t expect to make a serious push for promotion until next season.

    Anyway, nice talking to you, but I need to go talk to humans now.

    Love
    Lambrettaman

  • Mark Richardson

    Yet somehow we’re far more likely to succeed in getting promoted whether its this season or next. The thing about the big outside investment is they are generally so impatient when it comes to success that you’ll probably never keep a manager long enough to get a settled squad and consistent results.

    Leeds are building a team the old fashioned way, on strong foundations, and making calculated and well thought out acquisitions of players on their own terms, something you can do when players actually want to play for you.

    If you think you’ll be spending a decent amount of time in the premier league any time soon, you’re delusional. League one though, that’s a diff story. Suppose that’s the benefit of outside investment tho, league one is way better than league two! Have fun at colchester in two seasons time