Bulletproof

With the news that our favourite fish-loving freak, Peter Ridsdale has been hired as the (and I quote) “financial stability advisor” to Plymouth Argyle, here at The Scratching Shed we’ve been pondering the possibility of even more ridiculous possible appointments for celebrities and sports-people.

Jeremy Clarkson as Environment Minister

The G20 summit’s in faraway paradises would be infinitely more entertaining with the Top Gear loud-mouth’s views on tarmacking Iceland and installing V12 engines in blenders.

Pete Doherty as the anti-drug advisor to sport

With the infamous rocker advising sports stars on drugs, the likes of Robbie Fowler could rest easily knowing he’s got the kind of contact you need to get your hands on Columbia’s finest marching powder.

Tomas Brolin as Minister for Healthy Eating

With all these fat kids clogging up Britain at the moment, Tomas Brolin is just what we need. With all the food it’d take to keep him and Prezza content in London, the rest of the country will have to survive on a diet of vegetables and fruit.

Nick Clegg as the Minister for Highways

No one loves a good U-turn quite as much as the Liberal Democrats leader, so we feel he would be the perfect candidate for such a demanding job. Alternatively, we could be really ridiculous and hire him as Deputy PM.

George Bush as the UN Peace Envoy to the Middle East

Speaks for itself really. Maybe Tony Blair could fill a similar role…

John Higgins as the Minister for Corruption in Sport

If you’re going to get caught in compromising video footage negotiating bungs with Arab’s, you have to have a good excuse ready. A quick call to John Higgins will get you all the advice you need to prepare your PR campaign. Alternatively, you could buy Shaggy’s single “It wasn’t me” as a similarly effective self-help guide to deal with such situations.

Josef Fritzl as Family Planning Officer

Planning on bringing new life into this world, but your 3 bedroom semi is a little short on space? Never fear, the Family Planning Department’s finest adviser can give you all the guidance you need to plan the perfect extension.

Ken Bates as Head of PR for FIFA

Nobody keeps a secret quite like Ken Bates, and when you’re taking sizeable back-handers from Qatar and Russia he’s the ideal man to advise on how all that money can be safely shuffled around whilst the outside world remain oblivious. Also a master of propaganda and controlling the press.

Gary Glitter – Child Protection Officer

We think you’ll agree that our final one really has a ring to it? Sounds like something plucked straight out of the cinema listings…

Thanks to the #TwitterWhites for their help with this one and feel free to add your own ideas for ridiculous job appointments below.

  • Bill

    That ref from Tuesday as Minister of Fair Play! Still seething.

  • TSS

    @captaincrash

    You and me both mate! The one from the previous game as his assistant.

  • CorbyWhite

    Ian Holloway as Head Football Spokesperson? I’m not even joking here, he’s perfect for the role!

  • Matt BB

    gwyn williams as technical director of football at leeds united….

  • genty

    Minister for Road Safety – Richard Hammond

    Chairman for Kick Racism out of Football – Nick Griffin

  • genty

    Chairman for Political Correctness – Frankie Boyle

  • Paul South Wales

    Chief of pornography – Mary Whitehouse

  • Andy Flynn

    Alex Ferguson – 4th Official

  • Andy Flynn

    Aka chief timekeeper

  • Threadoflength

    Heh, i do like the irony.

    As Bobby “The Brain” Heenan once said:
    “a rule breaker like Sgt. Slaughter now in charge of rules? That would be like putting Mr. Perfect in charge of integrity!”

  • Matt BB

    i dont quite get the appointment of Ridsdale, not once has he ever really managed to secure investment or restructure a football club successfully, the cardiff stadium financing nearly sent them under, he didnt play too great a part in finding the new owners, that was down tot he work of the other board members, equally he resigned when the going got tough at leeds and left us with that p1llock professor snuggles or whatever his name was.

    Quite why being involved in failure makes you qualified to advise on avoiding it is beyond me, there is a difference between learning from your experiences, and moving on, and just repeating them again and again. Rant over.

    What about Shane McGowan as government Tsar for dental health?