A post on The Early Bath blog got me thinking about some of the amusing chants I’ve heard on my travels following Leeds United. I’ve probably forgotten more than I’ve managed to remember and list below, so please add any others to the comments beneath the post. Here’s a few of my favourites…

Lucas Radebe testimonial 02-05-05

A player from the Leeds United Ladies is subbed on during Radebe’s testimonial prompting the crowd to respond with a chorus of;

“Ten men… we’ve only got ten me…”

Histon v Leeds United 30-11-08

Whilst Histon were busy causing the biggest FA Cup upset of the round, the fans took time out to comment on ITV’s live coverage. The commentators professionalism (seen here in this YouTube clip) earns it a place on this list.

Leeds United v Manchester United 14-09-2002

David Beckham was as popular as ever with the Leeds United faithful, as was his wafer thin wife;

“Oh… Posh Spice is a slapper,
“She f**king hates Manu
“And when she’s f**king Beckham,
“She thinks of Harry Kewell.”

There were various incarnations of this chant around the Premier League with different players names used and the verses altered to rhyme. The Leeds version also altered with the second line sang as ‘she wears a big fat jewel’ and other Leeds players such as Danny Mills used instead of Kewell.

Other popular Posh Spice songs include “Posh Spice takes it up the ****” – something both herself and David Beckham categorically denied in an interview with current affairs commentator, Ali G.

TSS recording studios (earlier today)

Hardly unique, but cover songs always sell well. This one is in honour of our very own answer to Jonny Wilkinson and to the tune of ‘That’s Amore';

“When you’re sat in row z, and the ball hits your head… that’s our Bradley!”

Destined for the number one spot, I’m sure you’ll agree?

Leeds United v TV coverage

Thinly disgusted envy aimed at the fans bright enough to stay at home in the warmth, whilst those of us inside the stadium freeze to death watching another fine example of second-class football.

“If you’re watching this on tele, you’re a c*nt”

Leeds United v Peter Schmeichel

When son-of-scum, Kasper Schmeichel joined the Leeds United family it put the Elland Road faithful in an awkward situation. Fans of the Whites are genetically coded to hate anything and anyone associated with Manchester United, so when the son of their greatest goalkeeper arrived it was important to set the record straight;

“Your Dad’s a c*nt, but you’re alright!”

Job done!

Everyone v Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink

Even the Leeds fans had to laugh when various teams started to chant about our favourite striker;

“You’re just a fat Eddie Murphy”

Leeds v Brighton

I don’t imagine there’s many teams that don’t pick up on Brighton’s prestigious ‘Gay Capital of the UK’ title;

“We can see you holding hands!”

“Does your boyfriend know you’re here?”

There’s plenty more too, all of which are equally as amusing and five times as crude.

Leeds fans v Poorly supported away teams

“You could have come on a skateboard/in a taxi/in a tractor… etc…”

A couple of contributions from Facebook & Twitter

Dominico on Facebook

We all dream of a team of Brian Deane’s… a team of Brian Deane’s…”

“There’s only one Carlton Palmer, and he smokes Marujana”

Lee on Facebook

When Graham Le Saux bottles a 50/50 challenge with Alan Smith, the Leeds fans respond with;

“Le Saux just sh*t himself… Le Saux just sh*t himself…”

Football fans v Marriage

Finally, this one has absolutely nothing to do with Leeds United but does stand as the funniest football chant I’ve ever heard. When a man proposes to his wife at half-time, 30,000 fans give him fair warning;

“You don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you’re doing…”

Any more?

As I said at the beginning of the post, it’s difficult to remember all the chants I’ve heard over the years so if you can think of some that I’ve missed please add them below.

  • cossie(LUFC)

    My favourite of all time wasn’t a Leeds chant but was during an Old Firm game just after the news broke that Rangers keeper Andy Gorham had been disgnosed with a mild form of schizophrenia. The Celtic fand chanted
    “Two Andy Gorhams, there’s only two Andy Gorhams”

  • West Stand Rebel

    The one I loved recently was chanted at us as we were being hammered at home and heading for the exits long before the end of the game. It was..”Is there a fire drill ?” priceless! Can’t just remember who the opposition was.

  • chris from wakey

    Football chants are unbelievably cruel.
    They are also unbelievably funny.
    A game without chants is like watching paint dry.

  • HS

    Found the one heard at the Leeds – Lazio Champions League game (in particular) quite amusing:

    He’s innocent, he wears no underpants, Lee Voyeur Lee Voyeur.

  • Deeda

    Talking of Carlton Palmer when Southampton made us an offer we couldn’t refuse for the lanky midfielder cum centre back on our next visit to the south coast our fans were singing (to the tune of the Quality Street ad) “Thank you very much for buying Carlton, thank you very much, thank you very very very much”.

    Staying on the south coast “Town full of sea men, you’re just a town full of sea men” is always popular at grounds like Home Park, Plymouth.

    My fav Brian Deane chant, in honour of his healthy career goal scoring record against Scum has to be (to the tune of Robin Hood) “Brian Deane Brian Deane spies the Man U net, Brian Deane Brian Deane Fergie’s in a sweat, In off the bar, F*** Cantona, Brian Deane Brian Deane Brian Deane”

    I always find it funny too when we take enough fans to take up room in two stands and the banter which ensues between the two sets of Leeds support “Who are ya?”, “You’re only here to watch the Leeds”.

    • KNick

      Yeah I remember this happening at Swindon a couple of seasons back, great fun. Took my mum and a Swindon friend too which was class…best bit though. As we’re walking through the carpark to the ground, two policemen walk past with their Dobermans and my mum in total disregard to the red shirts around us commented ” Dogs, is that it? At Elland Road our police are on horses!” Bless her!

  • Leztoomey

    Not a chant as such but very funny anyway, away at Tranmere first year in league 1 I think (never again please!) at half time a rather robust guy tucks into a pie and every time the pie was raised to his lips there was a oooooohhhhhhh, yeah, oooooooooohhhhhhhhh, yeah etc until he noticed and then raised his arms to the “you fat #%><#}€" chant. He was later removed from the ground, to much amusement!
    Same game saw the birth of 'we're only 12 points behind you, …." also very funny.

  • RoystonLUFC

    I can’t remember the exact date but it was around 2000 at Palace. Brolin had just joined them and his first game was, ironically, against Leeds. As he screwed up every ball he touched, the chant rang out to the Palace fans: “you’ve got Brolin, we’ve got Martyn, etc” – Martyn being the keeper we got from Palace! Followed swiftly by “You’re too fat to play for Leeds, you’re to fat to play for Leeds”. Priceless.

  • yorkwhite

    I remember one of our European opponents had a player on the subs bench with an old head injury. In order to protect this injury he wore some sort of hair net. When he finally made it onto the field the kop greeted him with a rousing chorus to the tune of he’s got the whole world in his hands.

    He’s got a sprout bag on his head, he’s got sprout bag on his head.

  • ocaz

    Second year in league one was away at Peterborough and they were advertising on the tannoy and had handed out leaflets before the game that they were offering free chlamydia tests at half time. To this we replied

    “We’ve got McAllister, You’ve got chlamydia!”

  • Sparkie

    One of the funniest chants I ever heard from the cop was a response to Man City fans who were singing ‘Going Down, Gong Down’..

    Our reply was ‘so are we, so are we!’

  • paul

    Think it was last season against Tranmere,to Ian Thomas Moore-Your so shit you,ve had to change your name. On the beach at Valencia,rhyming every Leeds player with the Beckham jewel song,funny wwhen you had a few beers.

    • oldham white

      @paul i was there great day shame about the result!

  • Max.

    No room for “He’s French, he’s flash, he’s sh*gg**g Leslie Ash”?

    • ellamforengland

      I don’t no why I loved her, but I did.

  • trueyorxman

    I can remember back in the day 3-4’000 Leeds fans behind the goal at Ayresome Park singing “What’s it like to s**g your kids” whilst the infamous child abuse case was still on-going in Middlesborough in the mid 80s (it was both funny & out of order at the same time). I’ve never heard a pin drop so loud as it did that day. Needless to say we were given a very warm farewell after the game

  • ilkleywhite

    Remember the games against Liverpool when the kop used to sing about Phil Thompsons nose, many funny ones but “Theres more of it than us” “we darent go other there” and “he’s here, he’s there its every ******** where its Thompsons nose Thompsons nose”

  • sledgeross

    I remember that Tranmere game Paul. It was the same game where teh Kop chanted “Ricketts for England”

  • andy roberts

    Getting a good thrashing at highbury during the B.S.E. crises. “We’re beef and we’re proud of it, we’re beef and we’re proud of it”. I’m still proud.

  • Retford White

    Another good one for thompson from Liverpool is “sit down pinocchio!”
    Funniest chant I can remember is for our old friend Enoch Showumni ;
    “Enoch…Enoch… Enoch has got a massive cock Enoch.. Enoch…. Enoch has got a massive cock Enoch.. Enoch…. He shagged a woman now she’s dead he swings his cock around his head Enoch Showumni Uniteds 21! Was a pre-season game a few years back (at York I think) not long after we signed him and it had me in creases!!

  • RickHx

    A couple of my favorites, Harry grayson doing a live report out side the mestalla before the champions league semi
    “Oh… Posh Spice is a slapper,
    “She f**king all the nation
    “And when she’s f**king Beckham,
    “She thinks of Harry Grayson.”
    and just after Fabian Delph got banned for drink driving
    “Fabian Delph, his cars for sale”
    “Fabian Delph, his cars for sale”

  • Canadian Leeds

    I remember a chant from a few years back when we played Plymouth just after we got relegated and the Plymouth fans sang at Elland Road “Premier League Soccer ha ha ha …” made by blood boil at the time but they were damn right!

  • les irwin

    i remember posting when the kasper chant about his dad was was created and i was lambasted by lots of people cant believe it now makes your list .it was a chap sat right behind me in all places the family stand corparate boxes that dreamt that one up as i said at the time it was funny and is still it caused a lot of debate on here i remeber it well iwas called lots of names though it is funny .chris kamara got quite a bit of stick at the radebe testemonial and i remeber a particularly fat lad at southamptons st mary,s who was cruely picked on for a full 2 hours .as someone has said footy chants can be nasty .and cruel but i still think in the most they are light hearted banter and fotball just wouldn’t be the same without them

    i do though think someone could do with penning us some new songs

  • ilkleywhite

    Funniest one to Peter Shilton after he had been caught with a underage girl

    She’s only a underage slapper her knickers all tattered and torn, she sucked Peters pri*k and he made her feel sick, and then they got caught by the law

    Shilton didnt like it.

  • ilkleywhite

    Song about Darren Randolf goalie at the time for Hereford United

    Gay boy, gay boy give us a wave, and whats it like to take it up the Ar$e

    Randolf had a blinder of a game, and we knew it, he is a great keeper.
    and afterwards he went down to the kop and shook hands with the supporters, and we sang your a great keeper, your a great keeper, now thats a class act to follow!

  • thinyogurtontour

    After David Pleat was caught ‘kerb-crawling’, on his first visit with Leicester, the Leeds fans singing ‘who got caught with his trousers down@ was highly amusing.

  • Steve Moses

    Way back in the days when you could pay at the turnstiles and the NE Corner was called the boys pen, I was on the Kop during a Boro game when they brought maybe 6-8,000 in 48,000 gate.
    10 Minutes into the game there was a great surge in the boys pen, we turned expecting to see Boro fans causing a bit of ‘bovver’. Turned out it was the then Leeds City Transport bus drivers/conductors, all in Leeds corporation green, pushing into the ground. The Kop instantly surged forward chanting;
    “Busmen Aggro, Busmen Aggro, ‘ello, ‘ello”
    f*@@*g ACE to use a great ’70’s saying!!

    • ilkleywhite

      My god I remember that game, I think it was from 1971 all the clippys and drivers burst through the turnstile, the kop started signing busmen agro, then all the busmen joined together and started singing Leeds songs, towards the end of the game the kop started to sing get back to your FN bus, coz no one wanted to be late home, absolute classic

      • ellamforengland

        Thanks for that memory Ilkley, I’d forgotten about that ‘get back to your bus’ bit. I pissed myself then and I pissed myself this morning when you reminded me off it ./

    • ilkleywhite

      Match against Everton

      And its Neville Southall, Neville Southall Fat ***t

      He’s the fattest F*cki*g keeper the world has ever seen

      Southall just raised his hands and acknowleged the kop

  • Chris

    At the recent Cardiff game…

    “You’re only here to shag the sheep, only here to shag the sheep!”

    Classic!

    • katrina lufc kelly

      And when they got told off by stewards in northeast lower, they changed it to ‘sheep interferance’

  • Richard

    One i remember the best is when leeds went to crewe when they were bottom of the table and their fans were cheering ‘we’re going up as f**king champions.’ was absoloutly hilarious.

  • Tim Wilsom

    While on the subject. What the is the with the cry at goal kicks? can’t make it out on telly.

  • Tyler

    you shit bastard ahhhhhhh

  • TSS

    @leedsusa

    That cry as you describe it, still makes me laugh after all these years. As @Tyler said, it’s “You sh*t bastard” but there’s a long build up of a gradually increasing “arrrrrrr” beforehand that nearly kills you if the opposition keeper is time wasting. After the “You sh*t bastard” part, the Kop also burst into a chorus of random arrr’s too that collectively sounds like an evil laugh.

    Makes me smile everytime.

    • Tim Wilsom

      Ha thanks, will crack me up even more now, dammit got to get back over for a game in the near future……..

  • ilkleywhite

    A match against Plymouth Argyle in the FA Cup

    Liza, Fertilizer, Fertilzer, Fertilzer to the Plymouth fans

    And whats it like to shovel shit

    Fantastic

  • nwh

    To ipswich town fans getting beat art christmas–(winter wonderland) -‘Stay at mend your tractor’

    To ian wright who pissed himself when he heard it: Ian wright, Ian ian wright, he gets the ball he does fuck all ,Ian ianwright,
    To D seaman – You fat bastard, you ate all the Pies! -= Seaman turns to the kop and stick his gut out, priceless.
    To liverpool fans – “we’ve got Don Matteo, you steal car stereoes”

    • TSS

      A similar one to the Dom Matteo was used v the Arse

      “You’re got Gilberteo, we’ve got Ian Hart-i-o…”

  • Mark Blaze

    In response to Wolves fans chant of “we are Wolves, we are Wolves, we are Wolves” Leeds retort was “we are humans, we are humans, we are humans” – classic!

    For a great read buy “Sh*t ground, No fans”. Full of classic chants.

  • West Stand Rebel

    To annoy the Ipswich fans a few seasons ago we chanted the perennial “Going down going down going down” There reply was “So are we so are we so are we “

  • pete

    “There’s a rapist on the pitch” aimed at Carlton Palmer in 97/98 had me in stitches.

    Even better when he got sent off in that same game, I think all 39,000 of us were too busy laughing like drunk hyenas to even bother giving him a richly deserved send-off…

  • ilkleywhite

    Sing when your chewing you only sing when your chewing

    Leeds fans to the Man U prawn eaters last season

  • Bill Fox

    Look out for a post here from Marlon of Coventry!

  • abbotC

    After we sacked Jody Morris and he came back with Millwall the chants of: “she said no Morris, she said no” made me PMSL

  • pabs1983

    Yesterday at Carlton Cole:

    Your just a **** Emile Heskey/Tresor Kandol/Michael Ricketts
    And then at John Carew

    Your just a **** Carlton Cole

    Also, from yesterday

    We are the morons…..

  • Colin

    Test

  • giant

    When Gary Sprake threw the ball into his own net at Anfield in front of the Kop, Scousers sang Careless Hands, priceless

  • Jamie

    He shags who he wants,Chelsea shags who he waaaaants ! He’s jimmy saville, he shags who he wants

  • Blaaaaaaaaargh

    “Jimmy Savile he shags who he wants” is hilarious. It should be sung at every match, just to annoy the mainstream.

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