The sacred TSS survival guide

For most Whites fans, Saturday is our equivalent to the churches Sunday. It’s a day where everything else is ignored, and only one thing really matters – the Leeds United score.

Due to an international break, us Leeds United fans are forced to break with our rituals and integrate with “normal” society. It’s a daunting prospect, I’m sure you’ll agree, but don’t fear because TSS is here to offer some helpful suggestions on how you can spend this unwelcome LUFC-less weekend.

#1 – Start your own religion/cult

This suggestion came from a very intoxicated friend who will actually spend today painting his spare bedroom (0n his missuses orders).

The general theory goes, that if you can amass enough followers for your new cult or religion before your missus starts nattering for the odd-jobs to be done, then your new friends will be able sacrifice the missus to your newly invented God.

Verdict: An extreme measure indeed, but if the odd-job is really that intolerable then it may be worth keeping in mind. You should be warned however that starting your own cult or religion could result in a messiah complex and leave your friends thinking you’re a bit of a bell-end. On the plus side, you could order your new following to exterminate them for the “greater good.” 7/10

#2 – Non-League Day

Several people on Facebook and Twitter suggest paying a visit to your local non-league club today to support national Non-League day.

Residents of Leeds will be spoilt for choice with Leeds Carnegie, Guiseley, Garforth and several others around the area all playing at home.

To find your nearest team, or for more information, visit the Non-League day website here.

Verdict: This probably won’t go down well with the missus who was planning a family day or something even more tedious, but it will provide you with that much needed football fix you require, and also help support non-league teams around the country. 9/10

#3 – Train to be the next Stig

This one is relatively simple. Since dying is probably preferable to the things “normal” people do on a Saturday you should have no problem racing around a track at ridiculous speeds whilst a tall, curly haired man looks on lovingly.

All you need for this is a white helmet, a white jump-suit and a pair of bolt-croppers to get into the Top Gear airfield. Simply drive your high-performance vehicle around at break-neck speeds for long enough and sooner or later you’re sure to impress the confused on-lookers and be offered a job! Either that or you’ll die in a flaming ball of steel. Win-win, I’m sure you’ll agree?

Verdict: Fast cars, no speed limits and a thrill-seeking job your friends will be envious of (not that you can actually tell them). You’ll probably die before the end of your first series, but it’s better than fixing that drip under the sink. 6/10

#4 – Attend the Bingley Festival

Were you too skint/tight to pay for a ticket to the Leeds fest? If so, the Bingley festival may be right up your street. Imagine Reading/Leeds without the Libertines and Guns N Roses, but with such current acts as James and Buzzcocks in their place – Mouthwatering prospect for sure!

You’re already a day late, but with the opportunity to camp in a field and share a toilet with literally tens of other festival goers, what are you waiting for?

Verdict: I think painting the spare room would be preferable. I’d advise selecting one of the other options, but if you’re inclined to ignore my advice then please don’t blame me when a drunken 15 year old pukes all over your tent – James can be a nauseating experience for anyone. 1/10

#5 – Drink your troubles away

Several people suggested that a day in the local may well be in order. One person even suggested heading down to Elland Road to fill Ken Bates’ pockets even though we aren’t playing! The last suggestion aside, this could well be the answer for you?

The pros of this option include avoiding the missus/family, sharing a day with other like-minded lost souls and most importantly – getting absolutely blathered. Unfortunately, there’s also a dark side so don’t blame me when you spend all Sunday listening to someone nag at you whilst you lie on the sofa recovering from an intolerable hangover.

Verdict: It’s a 50/50 this one. You’ll enjoy the Saturday, but be sure to weigh it up against Sunday’s inevitable consequences! 5/10

  • Mikelufc

    Well it appears you are truly desperate for a topic at the moment :-)
    I am going to play clever (I think) do a lot of hard work mixed with very regular beer breaks, which I am on at the moment, it’s amazing how much work you can achieve very pleasantly and not end up with a destroyed tomorrow…………

  • richard

    I`ll watch the Rhinos and drink beer at the same time. ;)

  • mike howell

    Gran Canaria 31 degrees, just returned from the beach, gonna get me a cold san miguel and mong out in the pool………tonight party in Chill bar….. lay in, in the morn……………………No probs TSS

  • mike howell

    Would rather watch LUFC though.

  • les irwin

    reading reports looks like grella was nearly off to oxford on DDAY ,its not that he didn’t go it’s the fact he was allowed to .i’ve said all along i thiught he would be off and i will almost guaruntee he will be off somewhere when loan window opens on tuesday probably for 3 months with a view to a perm in jan ,he is surely behind everyone at moment including somma so its probably for the best for him to go out

  • les irwin

    no camping at the bingley festival lol some pretty good bands on though james headlining tonight .public image .the enemy tomorrow buzzcocks yesterday i live quarter of a mile away its not bad for 30 quid for weekend .leeds fest is shit .glasto is the daddy followed by v