#01 – Brian Clough still haunts us

Two decades since Leeds had lost on opening day came to an end as the ghost of Brian Clough returned in the form of a less wittier and more arrogant (I didn’t think it was possible either) mortal named Nigel.

#02 – Our defence is slower than time itself

A slug strenuously traipsing through a flowing stream of treacle couldn’t make the Leeds United defence look quick and agile. Worse still, somewhere between the months of May and August, Richard Naylor and co. forgot how to stick a foot in!

#03 – Keep off the grass

We learnt this week that kids are strictly forbidden from entering the Elland Road playground… I mean, playing field, even if they are the son of the holier-than-thou, Nigel Clough. We also learnt that Mr Clough doesn’t like being told what he can’t do and will run crying to the media when he doesn’t get his own way. Someone really needs a father figure… Oh wait…

#04 – Billy’s on his way back!

We learnt this week that Billy Paynter’s tummy-tuck operation… I mean, shin injury will keep him sidelined for ‘weeks not months’. Simon Grayson obviously has a keen eye for players fitness, noting that Billy is a “little” behind the rest of the squad in terms of physical condition.

#05 – Bates is a controversial so and so…

In a piece fitting for the fascist coalition of idiotic morons that makes up the Daily Mail, we learnt this week that Ken Bates doesn’t like foreigners owning English football clubs. A policy he’s always been keen on ever since he sold Chelsea to quintessential Englishman, Roman Abramovich.

Come over here, steal all our football clubs…

#06 – We know nothing

We learnt this week that despite the best efforts of the new Football League chairman, we’ll never find out the true owner of Leeds United (ahem… Bates). The illusive so and so just keeps finding loopholes in the historically bulletproof Football League rules.

#07 – We’re better than League Two!

We learnt this week that despite a disappointing opening day defeat at home to Derby County, we are better than your average League Two side. Lincoln City came, they saw, they folded as Leeds United practised ‘keep away’ for 90 minutes, scoring four goals to curb the boredom.

#08 – Dizzee Rascal floorfillers for life

A new policy was brought in this week by the supporters of Leeds United football club, which states Sanchez Watt’s name should always be followed by a chorus of Dizzee Rascal. “You Watt, you watt?” Those that do not participate will be labelled non-fanatics. You have been warned.

#09 – Grella should not be f**ked with

We learnt this week that failure to play Mike Grella will result in severe warnings issued through the United States press. Three minutes at the end of each game should keep the friendly fire out of Elland Road for now.

#10 – The best things in life are free

Kasper Schmeichel and Lloyd Sam conclusively proved that the best things in life really are free. Still, “you can keep them for the birds and bees… now give me the money, that’s what I want…”

  • Another great piece, just one point if kids under 16 aren’t allowed on the hallowed turf how old are the mascots before the game, not that I have any sympathy for Cluff Jr. Lord Blackhole of Beeston has shown his pettyness yet again this week in his programme notes and his press piece in the biggoted mail.

  • TSS

    Hi Doug, it really is a daft policy isn’t it, but what’s even more ridiculous is the fuss about it that followed.

    Should have had a number #11 really – New York Whites have an impressive fan club. That story got an awful lot of hits.

  • Leeds United is a worldwide brand unfortunately it is undervalued by Lord Blckhole

  • Side Before Self

    Peter schmeical? Have I missed something? Lol. I see you got a mention on LUTV’s We are Leeds the other day bout your new York whites piece. Not like bates to give free publicity, did you slip him a few quid TSS?

    • TSS

      First I’ve heard of it mate, what did they say?

      The Peter/Kasper blunder was my first in weeks haha! Can’t believe it took you guys so long to point it out.

  • #11 TSS has come up with a way to keep his readers happy on a Friday Night/Saturday morning that doesn’t involve him having to write after 4.00pm Friday…. Like it.

    • TSS

      @Grumpy Old Man

      Haha, well observed. I’m about to head out for a drunken poker night, safe in the knowledge that my work here is done!

  • Colin Gill

    One game a narrow defeat that could have gone either way, and yes derby were slicker than United, mostly midfield. And the doom mongers are already out, e.g. How long has Simon got as manager, XMas?
    For God’s sake lets get the season going. Look at it this way a win on Sunday and automatic promotion is guaranteed!!!
    Like a lot of supporters I am frustrated that we have not been able to secure a forward to replace Beckford, but face it we never were, if you lik there is only one Jermaine Beckford!!!

  • CastIron

    take it as the tongue-in-cheek reflection on a disapointing week it was clearly supposed to be

  • steve underwood

    A striker would be great but holding midfield player is desperetley needed but we do seem to have got 2 duff fullbacks no better than hughes crow brombt etc

  • Dje

    I think Connolly might turn out to be Mr Reliable with a few more games and better central defenders alongside him – or the new Tony Capaldi.

    Bessone is very questionable. Parker is the answer.

  • steve underwood

    Agree need parker back asap got to say not looking forwerd to forest when you see there forwerds power and pace a point would be fantastic but cant see us getting one

  • Dje

    @banditsteve123

    If you’d asked me two weeks ago then I’d definitely agree that we’d be up against it at Forest – but they’ve lost their first two games of the season, both away and the second being at Bradford. So the pressure will definitely be on them for their first home game of the season, and to some extent off us.

    That said, yes, our lack of pace at the back is going to be a nightmare against the pace of their forwards – so hopefully Schmeichal will be inspired once more!

  • Bill Fox

    Great weeks round up TSS. Hope you knew when to hold ‘em and knew when to fold ‘em!!

  • Ben Obank

    Morning!! Just wanted to introduce myself as a new member. ive read TSS for ages now but finally got round to becoming a member. Part of the Spanish whites in Mallorca.

  • TSS

    @spanishwhites

    Hi mate, welcome to the site!